


(I'll Only Show You) The World Reflected in My Eyes

by 126916912



Series: Deleted 1213659/126916912 Works [2]
Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Arson, Ballet, Disabilities, Falling In Love, Fire, Hard of Hearing, Insurance Fraud, M/M, References to Depression, Self-Discovery, lawyer-client relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-27 03:01:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30116175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/126916912/pseuds/126916912
Summary: For over half a year Sangyeon had struggled to make ends meet, asking for loans and extensions and scraping to find success. The prestige of the national ballet was beyond him and now even the simple dream of running a snackshop as proof that he could do something was turning to cinders before his eyes.
Relationships: Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Sangyeon
Series: Deleted 1213659/126916912 Works [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2216154





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> my only personality trait is being obsessed with eone (who were at some point a team with their humble beginnings way back in 2013 and now they are inexplicably two people who probably don't even talk anymore) so the title is from the best song eone ever produced: twice - you in my heart

Sangyeon watched the rapid motion of the furious words being mouthed at him, spittle clinging to the corners of thin, chapped lips, and he found himself frustrated at being so easily distracted. Day after day there was always another harsh intake of breath and flared nostrils as a disgruntled customer demanded to speak with the manager. As usual, the customer kicking up a ruckus was not happy to be referred to Sangyeon. 

The past few months were sign enough that Sangyeon had made a bad choice. So what if he had been urged on by Hyunjun and taken advice from a decorative pillow when picking out a new rug for his parents' wedding anniversary? Plenty of people made bad choices. Sangyeon was confronted by his bad choice every day. Once he is forced out of business here in the little snackshop he will promise himself not to follow his heart for any further life-affirming lifestyle changes. Wallowing in his own misery was evidently the better choice. 

"I am sorry," Sangyeon said slowly as he accepted the consequences of this particular choice, "Could you please repeat your issue?" 

Of course this did not make the customer any happier. Granted, many people would have gathered the main points of the tirade but Sangyeon had struggled with his ears since the fall a year and a half ago. At times like this he envied people who were born hard of hearing simply because they were well practiced at reading lips. It was a silly thought however having angry customers direct their rage at him brought about all manner of silly notions. 

It was Hyunjun who nudged Sangyeon’s forearm and obliged the apparently inconvenient request. Hyunjun was by no means an expert but he could get a point across in instances like this. 

"The tteokbokki is too expensive," Hyunjun explained with careful cues around his mouth. Sangyeon really hoped there was more to it than that. There was no need for such a fuss over prices. Sangyeon had a business to run and he would prefer not to do that to the detriment of his overheads but he could improvise around that. What Sangyeon began to worry about was the second part of the issue seeing as it was a wholly more critical circumstance. Except Hyunjun didn't add anything else. That was all. Nothing about any claims of poor service or being mistreated. Just that the prices which barely covered the cost of ingredients were too expensive. 

"Are you stupid or something?" The customer shouted, face twisted in hideous frustration as though more indications of the tone of the words were necessary. Sangyeon understood that much without help and tried to smile pleasantly. Some spiteful part of him lived for the momentary discomfort that passed over customers when he responded to questions like this. He would sign almost unintelligibly as he said it, just for the sake of being facetious, and watch as the realisation sank in. 

"Not stupid. Hard of hearing."

The irritation wavered on the face of the customer. Sangyeon continued to smile. 

"Well… People like you shouldn't be managers. I need someone I can speak to properly." Rather unhelpfully, the customer spoke louder and slower. Sangyeon could tell that much, but he couldn't quite tell what Hyunjun said in response. 

Hyunjun had a soft voice, quiet even when he was loud, and Sangyeon had always remembered it. Something about his tone always reached Sangyeon’s ears but that must have been the residual reflex of always listening especially closely whenever Hyunjun spoke since they met a few years before. 

When they first met, Sangyeon was a third year at the Conservatoire studying dance. Hyunjun was a high school student who Sangyeon often saw at the bus stop every morning. However when they began talking, Sangyeon quickly learnt to listen more carefully to a voice which was small enough to be whipped away by the wind. He hadn't ever lost that habit of knowing when Hyunjun was talking even after losing his hearing. But Sangyeon had never seen Hyunjun talk like this before, not even when he was overcome with grief and anger and everything negative he had ignored for too long.

Hyunjun kept gesturing as he pushed his way between Sangyeon and the customer and he wasn't listening regardless of how Sangyeon said his name. They should both have been used to customers getting frustrated because Sangyeon couldn't keep up with their issues yet Hyunjun, who avoided conflict where he could, wouldn't back down.

"Please, don't be angry, Hyunjun," Sangyeon said as he wrapped his arms around Hyunjun’s chest to pull him away. He took Hyunjun into the back and told him to get a drink of water but the indignation stiff in his body looked like it wouldn't dilute so easily. They needed to talk, though Sangyeon had something else to attend to first. 

On one of the shelves in the cramped stockroom there was a stack of discount vouchers which Sangyeon had belatedly realised had no expiration date after getting them printed. He had been wary of handing them out but this situation called for limitless discounts. By the time the angry customer left with a takeaway container, Sangyeon had managed to get a laugh out of them as well as a sheepish apology though Hyunjun was the one who needed to hear it. 

Sangyeon thought the customer probably would tell their friends about the snackshop, though not for the reasons Sangyeon would hope for. He was another day from breaking even but there were more important things in life. 

In the stockroom, the door propped open in case any customers arrived, Hyunjun finally allowed his countenance to cloud over with his disappointment when Sangyeon came back to see him. 

"You're not wearing your hearing aids," Hyunjun said reproachfully. 

Despite being taller than Sangyeon he could easily make himself as small as the minute motion of his mouth and it made Sangyeon’s chest spark with guilt. This was his fault. Hyunjun was sad because Sangyeon was careless. 

"I'm sorry," Sangyeon said when he pulled Hyunjun close for a hug. The way Hyunjun clung to Sangyeon, fingers twisting tightly in Sangyeon’s shirt, spoke of a need that Sangyeon tended to ignore. They both sought out the repair that only unconditional affection could provide but Sangyeon found that lately he ended up sabotaging that trust in worse ways. 

Hyunjun loved Sangyeon, still treated him as someone to admire when they could no longer dance, and went as far as finding Sangyeon all over again to make him realise that spending time together was a good enough reason to get out of bed in the mornings. 

Friends like Hyunjun, who loved with everything they had, weren't fixtures in Sangyeon’s life. Thoughts like that only felt like weak excuses for being a bad friend himself. Sangyeon shouldn't have tried to rationalise his intentional carelessness by pretending that he wasn't used to someone who wanted the best for him. Sangyeon’s family loved him and he even had other friends who tried their best to remind him of how he fit in the world so it was stupidity to act like this was unfamiliar to him. But Hyunjun loved like his life depended on Sangyeon managing to survive each day. Hyunjun was the one exhaling harsh anger into Sangyeon’s shoulder. 

"I broke one of my hearing aids," Sangyeon said. "I get headaches when I only wear one."

A truth and a lie. Hyunjun should have been able to allow this much. In truth, finding one of his hearing aids crushed underfoot that morning had Sangyeon’s stomach searing with an odd sickness. Every day was about to get harder because he couldn't hear the way he wanted to. But after a while of steeping in dread Sangyeon decided it was a blessing. There was no point in wearing just one hearing aid when he needed two, no point in announcing his difference whilst still being unable to hear. By the time Sangyeon had opened up Flower Snack, his scruffy little shop, that morning he had convinced himself he was free. Of course that was not the case. 

Hyunjun lifted his head up, always too conscious of what he should do to accommodate Sangyeon. His eyes were sharp but the tentative parting of his lips drew Sangyeon’s attention like a reflex. 

"I hate when people say horrible things, Sangyeon." Hyunjun’s next words were swallowed in a mumble but that was fine, there was no reason to point that out when Hyunjun only became more upset with the thought that he had unconsciously slipped into something carelessly natural. 

"It's not their fault. They just don't understand."

Sangyeon hadn't understood either. He had lived his entire life not understanding until the night he allegedly fell five storeys from a balcony when he was drunk. The accident was lucky because Sangyeon didn't sustain more than a broken leg, some fractured ribs, and a shattered humerus to go along with his cuts and grazes. The accident was unlucky because it wasn't until a few days later that Sangyeon realised he couldn't hear. There was no need to understand until the circumstances applied to him. 

"I still hate them," Hyunjun said, his hand moving tightly with his cues. 

"You should go home," Sangyeon said, deliberation heavy in each syllable. "Text me when you get back and do something to take your mind off today."

Hyunjun shook his. "I can't. I know you're not going to get someone else to cover the rest of my shift."

"Please, Hyunjun."

"I want to stay here with you. I'm fine."

Sangyeon had to give in. He stretched on tiptoe and kissed Hyunjun’s forehead before making him promise to take a paid break. Hyunjun wasn't good at taking his breaks when he was supposed to but there was no point in both of them pretending to find things to do in the lulls that made up each day. Ten minutes later Hyunjun was leaning against Sangyeon and quizzing him on the other employees. Sangyeon didn't consider himself an expert on Younghoon or Chanhee but he realised what the questions were really about. Sangyeon wasn't good at thinking of gift ideas but they had to come up with something good enough to thank Chanhee for putting up with them for so long. The snackshop would certainly have failed long ago without his help but there wasn't enough business to guarantee hours to three employees so Chanhee did what was best for himself and handed in his two-week notice. 

A provisional list had been written up by the time six o'clock rolled around. Right on schedule, a familiar face appeared. The six o'clock customer always looked harried when he pushed through the stiff snackshop door and this evening was no different. He left his briefcase at the table nearest the door and approached the counter with a smile. 

"Good evening. How are you?" 

"Fine, thank you, how are you?" Sangyeon responded. The customer didn't answer and turned his attention to Hyunjun instead. Sangyeon didn't need to look at Hyunjun to know quite what was being said. The customer's expression darkened and he glanced cautiously at Sangyeon. After a moment his hands twitched and he offered rudimentary signs that didn't mean much along with his words. 

"You aren't wearing hearing aids?" 

Sangyeon didn't bother signing back. The customer wouldn't have been able to understand anyway seeing as he had only learnt under the tutelage of Hyunjun. "No. They're broken."

The customer's frown deepened. "Will it take long to get them fixed?" 

Sangyeon shrugged. Getting his hearing aids repaired wasn't at the top of his list of priorities. Living with his parents saved him some money but he was already a financial drain on them by having them support his sudden dream of running a restaurant. They would probably struggle to pay for the cost of the repair. 

The customer looked at a loss but Sangyeon didn't need to ask to find out why. "You don't need to sign. Just talk."

The customer nodded, licked at his dry lips, and then looked to Hyunjun. After a moment he spoke, though it was not only with his mouth. He offered cues with each syllable, clumsy and slow, and said, "That person shouldn't have shouted at you earlier."

"It happens."

Hyunjun shook Sangyeon’s arm despite the fact he was actually addressing the customer. There were too many words but Sangyeon caught the enthused, "We like you."

"We?" Sangyeon asked. He knew the customer was laughing but Sangyeon wasn't sure why Hyunjun was so confident about making such a claim. 

"Do you have any other favourite customers?" Hyunjun asked. Though his fingers matched the consonants and vowels which formed his words, Sangyeon doubted the words really meant what they looked like. 

Sangyeon didn't have any favourite customers at all. To have favourite customers would mean Sangyeon had any fondness for spending time at Flower Snack at all. He hated it here. His big life-affirming project to prove he mattered and had something to live for was a failure. He couldn't feel anything for Flower Snack other than hatred. He couldn't wait for the day all of his creditors came for what was owed. He couldn't wait for the day he could beg his parents to sever their losses and let him wallow in insignificance. But he would have to pretend to worry about that for Hyunjun’s sake. 

"I like all customers equally," Sangyeon said. Maybe it wasn't a lie. Disliking all of the customers had to be the same as liking them all equally. There was no love lost on any of them and it was nothing to feel guilty about. 

This customer laughed. His smile didn't distort the shape of his mouth enough to blur away his words, not when his hands were enough to decipher most of the phonemes. "Maybe one day you will like me more than the rest."

Sangyeon glanced around the snackshop and wondered whether this customer was aware that he was the only regular, sometimes the only customer Flower Snack would see through an entire day. Even if he were the only customer, Sangyeon wondered whether he possibly could harbour any kind feelings for a man who prolonged his suffering in this place. 

*

For Chanhee's last day Sangyeon scheduled two hours for Hyunjun and Younghoon to come in at the end of the shift. They closed down early so they could have a little party but Mr Six o'Clock was reluctant to vacate the premises when asked. 

"We are closing for a private function," Sangyeon explained, wondering whether he sounded half as polite as he should have as a business proprietor. 

"I haven't finished," the customer frowned. His fingers were slightly wrong when indicating the phonemes of his words but Sangyeon gleaned enough from the context. As much as Sangyeon wanted to tell the customer to just hurry and leave, he knew Hyunjun wouldn't take kindly to his favourite customer being run out for no reason. Dumbfounded, Sangyeon stood awkwardly at the table. The customer peered around Sangyeon at the three part-timers who were chatting and laughing as they cleaned behind the counter and asked, "What function is it? Shall I help?" 

"No, thank you. You can just finish your food and leave."

Sangyeon couldn't return to sweeping because the customer reached for his arm. Alarm passed over the customer's face as he released Sangyeon and he got to the point, considering each word as he said, "Sorry. Is it a leaving party for Chanhee?" 

"How did you know that?" 

"I have been coming here every day. I made friends with your employees. You're the only one who doesn't speak to me."

"What do you want me to say to you?" 

Surprised delight sparked in the customer's expression and he quickly licked his dry lips as he straightened up in his seat. "Anything. Say whatever you want to me." His hands stuttered and he slowed his words as he tried to work out what he needed to do to help Sangyeon understand him, and it seemed he was too eager for the chance to show off the fact he knew about cued speech. In Sangyeon’s baffled pause the customer asked, "Are you getting your hearing aids repaired yet?" 

Sangyeon closed his eyes. Like this he couldn't hear a thing. He shook his head. "Not yet." And then he turned and walked away so the customer couldn't say anything else to him. 

"Younghoon, do you mind wiping over the tables and mopping the front? I will take over here," Sangyeon said. Younghoon hesitated but he nodded. He didn't do very much with regards to cleaning the tables though. Sangyeon scrubbed at the pots and pans which had blackened burnt around the undersides and each time he turned to reach for another one he found Younghoon chatting with the customer. 

Somehow seeing Younghoon with the customer was annoying but there wasn't anything Sangyeon could do about that. If the customer insisted on becoming the favourite that was up to him. In fact, Sangyeon could let him make all the friends he wanted. 

"Chanhee, Hyunjun, you should go and sit down. You might as well take a break until we can properly close down."

Despite the dubious looks he got in return, Chanhee and Hyunjun did as they were told. Once Sangyeon was done with the pots and pans he took the money tray out of the till and went to tally up with the safe in the back of the stockroom. Before long, Chanhee came to find him and crouched in the cramped space on the floor until Sangyeon looked up. 

"I invited Jaehyun to stay," Chanhee said carefully. 

"Okay." There was no need to ask who that was. The only person in the building whose name Sangyeon didn't know was the persistent customer. It made sense, if he was so keen on endearing himself to everyone, that the workers would be on firstname basis with him. 

"I might even miss someone as annoying as him when I am gone."

"Wouldn't a place like the Cloudreach Hotel have even more annoying customers?" 

Chanhee laughed into his hand before he remembered the habit and curled his hands over his knees. "But here he was your annoying customer. You are my annoying boss. Younghoon and Hyunjun are my annoying colleagues."

"I'm glad to hear what you really think after all this time."

There was something hesitant in Chanhee's face. Sangyeon finished writing the end-of-day cash balance in the log book and shut away the small electronic scales into the safe with the money. As usual there were no discrepancies, just the looming realisation that anyone who provided a loan was always far more aggressive when recovering what they were owed. Flower Snack's days were numbered. But Sangyeon would wait a day or so before telling Younghoon and Hyunjun to find something else. 

Chanhee's eyes moved from the page of the financial log book to Sangyeon’s face. 

"Please don't say anything," Sangyeon said. Chanhee nodded and smiled, closed-lipped. 

"Today is my party. You can tell them in your own time. Who knows, you might even start making a profit before you need to say anything."

Sangyeon and Chanhee went out to the front where Hyunjun and Younghoon were sitting at a table and pointing out spots on the floor that Jaehyun apparently hadn't mopped well enough. Without his coat and his blazer and his sleeves rolled up it looked like he really was using elbow grease to follow orders. 

Whatever the conversation was, smiles stretched Hyunjun and Younghoon's lips with laughter. It was nice that they could have fun together, even if Hyunjun must have been making an excuse for something or other when he said, "I can't, I have a bad leg," with a mischievous grin. 

Chanhee clapped, his hands coming together not far from Sangyeon’s field of vision, and put Younghoon to work pushing two of the three tables in Flower Snack together. 

Sangyeon crept back to the stockroom and retrieved the cake he had hidden away in one of the fridges and he fetched the little gift bag they would be presenting to Chanhee. 

"You got me a present?" Chanhee asked. He pretended to look annoyed but Hyunjun and Younghoon, and even Jaehyun sang to Chanhee in a disorganised garble that Sangyeon doubted he could have understood even if his ears could hear it. The five of them ate cake and Chanhee even gave a dramatic speech thanking them all for a wonderful few months working together. 

There was no way Chanhee really was going to miss working at Flower Snack, not when he was moving on to higher wages and staff benefits such as an alleged 30% discount on hotel rooms and basic menus at the hotel restaurant. It was better than working for Sangyeon and there was even job security. He was alone in the assurance that he'd still have somewhere to work in the near future. 

"Do you like your gift?" Hyunjun asked. "We had to ask Younghoon to make sure we didn't get any earrings that you already had."

"I love them," Chanhee smiled. "I still won't be able to wear them. I have so many hours scheduled already. You're a lawyer, right, Jaehyun? Change the law so I can wear jewellery at work."

"I'm not that good of a lawyer," Jaehyun said awkwardly. 

"Looks like you should come and replace Chanhee after all," Younghoon said. 

Perhaps there was nothing to it, but Sangyeon hated the thought that he was meant to 'hear' that, the thought that he was being included in a joke which had long turned sour. 

Tonight was nothing, just for fun, but tomorrow or the next day Sangyeon would tell Younghoon and Hyunjun that they needed to find work elsewhere. For now he just wanted Chanhee's send-off to be something they could all enjoy. Sangyeon smiled along with the friendly chatter that still moved too quickly for him to keep up but that was all just because he couldn't hear, nothing at all to do with the gnawing guilt that he would have to face reality before long and admit that things couldn't continue as they were. 

*

It was Sangyeon’s mother who took the call about the fire. Sangyeon had fallen asleep without changing out of his clothes so he was stiff and groggy when he woke. His poor mother was trying her best to explain but her thoughts were fragmented with grief and Sangyeon just couldn't understand what she meant until she wrote the words, _'The restaurant is on fire,'_ though even that was difficult to understand. 

When Sangyeon arrived at the restaurant with the firefighters doing what they could to drench the flames he finally understood. Just like with the broken hearing aid the other morning he felt like he was seeing his freedom. 

The windows of Flower Snack were blown out, the sharp scent of burning hit the back of Sangyeon’s throat but he couldn't quite cough away the cloying fug which followed. The lights from the fire engines and the police setting up cordons flashed away the vision from Sangyeon’s eyes. He had never seen Flower Snack like this, primary colours burning themselves to the backs of Sangyeon’s eyes because he couldn't look away from the heat bursting through any gaps to devour free oxygen. 

It was difficult to understand the fire officer who came to ask Sangyeon questions. His parents were there to speak for him where they could but watching the frantic and disjointed movements of their mouths as they said what they thought was right made Sangyeon realise exactly how helpless he was. They couldn't answer questions about how Flower Snack was closed up and secured at the end of each night, who knew details about the building, what was present which could have been used as an accelerant at the scene. There were even more questions than that but Sangyeon could neither understand nor answer them. 

Sangyeon’s tongue was too thick, heavy in his mouth and unable to shape the syllables he had made for so many years before now. His hands trembled too much to type out anything intelligible on his dad's phone because neither of his parents had picked up the gestures of cued speech, let alone the grammatical structure of signs. But Sangyeon almost felt relieved knowing that he wasn't the only one struggling when his parents tried to type anything for him to read, futile focus wavering as the reflected flames danced in their dark eyes. 

For over half a year Sangyeon had struggled to make ends meet, asking for loans and extensions and anything to find success in this new life. The prestige of the national ballet was beyond him and now even the simple dream of running a snackshop as proof that he could do something was turning to cinders before his eyes. 

In the morning it turned out that the fire hadn't been a dream. Flower Snack was still smouldering and Sangyeon wondered whether he could laugh. This was funny. Everything Sangyeon touched turned to failure. He had told his parents he was heading out for a walk but he wasn't sure how long ago that was. His feet had rooted themselves to the pavement across the street from Flower Snack and his eyes only drifted away from the effort to prove he existed, over to the people taking pictures of the spectacle. 

It was a wonder that none of the neighbouring buildings had caught light. A miracle, almost. It was just Sangyeon who had lost it all. So that was fine. There weren't any other struggling business owners who had been dragged down to Sangyeon’s level. 

Of course, that moment of thankfulness crumbled to ash on Sangyeon’s tongue. Hyunjun’s eyes were wide when he hobbled up to Sangyeon and shook recognition into him. 

"Sangyeon, what happened?" 

"Fire."

Hyunjun almost looked annoyed. He had every right to be. The fact there had been a fire was obvious. The surrounding circumstances were far less clear. But Sangyeon couldn't shed any light on the facts. He didn't have a clue beyond what he could see across the street. 

"Are the police investigating it?" Hyunjun asked as he gripped Sangyeon's arm more tightly. His gaze kept sliding away to the gutted snackshop too. It was too difficult to look away. 

Perhaps this hurt him too. Flower Snack was one of the hundreds of suggestions Hyunjun made as a way to dredge Sangyeon out of his slump. He couldn't very well count on misery to keep him company when Hyunjun was determined to prove that life hadn't ended just because it was slightly different to what he was used to. Except he no longer even had this excuse to drag himself out of bed every morning, not unless he was keen on torturing himself. 

"I'm sorry." 

"What? What did you say?" Hyunjun asked as he blinked sparkles out of his eyes. He didn't spare a moment to wipe away the brimming tears, instead dedicating his hands to marking out the sounds Sangyeon couldn't hear. "What do you need to be sorry for? The bad person who did this should apologise."

Sangyeon had neither the will nor the ability to talk about this. He just wanted to climb back into bed and douse himself in tears that might not even arrive, but for now there was Hyunjun to hold close until all the indignation unwound itself from around his muscles. 

There were important things to be done once Hyunjun felt better. Sangyeon would need to let Younghoon know, and he'd need to file the insurance claim to get whatever he could to pay his workers and clear as much of his debt as possible. He would need to see about getting out of his lease on his unit, though he wasn't counting on his deposit when that money would need to go into repairs once the unit was safe enough to enter once more. 

There was so much left to do. It only made sense that this felt nothing like freedom either. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sangyeon and Hyunjun fall out

As much as Sangyeon wanted to act like he had no idea how he ended up in Jaehyun's boss's office, he couldn't use the daze of the past few days as too much of an excuse.

The carpet was brown, an oddly worn hue which must have looked more like chocolate when it was freshly lain; the walls were brown, the same brown as flood waters saturated with the filtrate of everything in their path; too many manilla folders stacked on the bookcase were just a paler brown than the varnished cork frames around certificates awarded to a person who was superior to Jaehyun; Jaehyun's hair was brown, it looked nice interspersed with highlights which told of how the lawyer hadn't wanted to miss out on summer despite spending the months indoors; Jaehyun's suit was brown. Why? Sangyeon hated sitting in this weird brown office across a flat-pack desk to stare at Jaehyun's brown suit. 

Jaehyun didn't take long to work out what Sangyeon was staring at. He reached across the desk and tapped Sangyeon’s wrist hesitantly. "You're not listening to me."

"I'm not," Sangyeon agreed. "What were you saying?" 

"Apparently it doesn't matter. Is the suit really strange?" Jaehyun asked, his hands surprisingly accurate as they formed symbols around his mouth along with his slow speech. He tugged at the lapels of his double-breasted blazer as though he thought that might fix anything. "I wanted to be taken more seriously. It was on sale and it felt like a sign. I saw a partner get their client acquitted whilst wearing a brown suit. Even though it looked boring I thought it could give me confidence too. But you hate it, don't you?"

"Does it matter what I think?" Sangyeon asked, expecting the answer which followed such a long explanation. 

"Yes."

"It shouldn't."

Jaehyun's lips, too shiny and pink, parted and then he pressed them tightly shut. The bobbing of his Adam's apple looked as though it should have been accompanied by a sound effect. Sangyeon smiled and Jaehyun's shoulders sagged. 

"Alright. Look at my shoes," Jaehyun said. He stood up and walked around the desk and pointed his toes and tilted his feet on their heels. The shoes were brown too. Once Sangyeon had taken a look at Jaehyun's shoes he looked up at Jaehyun's face expectantly. "Dark brown caviar leather loafers. Maybe a touch casual for work but they're nice, right?" 

"They're brown," Sangyeon said. 

The betrayal on Jaehyun's face lasted until he sat down again. He played with his hair and sighed. Sangyeon couldn't hear it but he saw the momentary disappointment. 

"I'll wear something different next time," Jaehyun said. 

"I look forward to it," Sangyeon said. He didn't care too much about what Jaehyun wore. He was a lawyer and he wore suits. There was nothing more than that. Sangyeon wasn't so bothered with wearing a suit. He was just wearing whatever he thought looked presentable at short notice. He was a failure. Perhaps a criminal. He didn't have to care what he wore. At least not until the investigation came to a close. 

Jaehyun sat back in his seat. It must have been time to get on topic. 

"Seeing as you still don't have your hearing aids, I will try to be clear but please feel free to stop me at any time," Jaehyun said. Sangyeon was glad that he couldn't hear the tone which accompanied those words. The sound was certainly pity but Sangyeon could pretend it into indifference through the convenient magic of being unable to hear. 

"Go ahead."

Jaehyun nodded. The press of his teeth in his lips drained away some of the colour but he didn't let Sangyeon dwell on that for too long. He had a lot to say and he took odd pauses as he coordinated his fingers with his vowels and consonants. 

"If the insurance company, or any police, or fire brigade, or just anyone suspicious tries to speak to you about the fire, contact me as soon as possible. Don't say anything to them. If they want to communicate with you, they have to do it through me, do you understand?"

Sangyeon nodded. "They won't want to speak to me anyway. They probably won't understand what I say."

Jaehyun looked aghast for a moment. Sangyeon wondered whether there was some horrific sound he was spared of hearing but Jaehyun shook the expression off his face. "Are you trying to be funny? They will be able to understand you just fine which is why you can't talk to them. They are going to make you say something incriminating. Just keep your mouth shut until I am around to say things in a way they can't twist. You're my client so I am saying this for your own good," Jaehyun said. In the pause that followed, Sangyeon supposed he was meant to accept the words or thank Jaehyun but he didn't. He couldn't. He didn't like this. And Jaehyun wasn't really finished anyway. "I'm not a person who wants to silence you or speak over you, Sangyeon. You could get into a lot of trouble and I want to help you."

Sangyeon had to take Jaehyun's word for it. The rules felt a lot like being silenced. It wasn't a pleasant thought despite being a state Sangyeon had chosen. When he first lost his hearing and he had been forced to accept the fact that the life he'd lived was for nought, he had kept his mouth shut. He couldn't talk when he couldn't even hear his own voice beyond the feeling of his mouth making the shapes it always had. But people never responded the way they used to and Sangyeon hated seeing people's mouths moving without knowing what it was they were trying to tell him. 

Being silenced by loneliness, Sangyeon hadn't been able to stand living in his own head. He hated things that used to be easy as they suddenly became impossible. He hated that people tired of trying to communicate with him. So he stopped trying too. The only person missing out on anything was Sangyeon himself. On some level it must have been his own fault so he simply had to accept anything that felt like suffering. 

But Jaehyun claimed that this was different. He said he wanted to help Sangyeon but even that was strange. Flower Snack was hardly a home-away-from-home establishment. It was just a scruffy little hole-in-the-wall which was better off left behind as a bad memory. There was no reason for Jaehyun to want to help aside from the obvious. 

"I don't actually have any money," Sangyeon said slowly, awkwardly signalling the sounds of his own words to ensure he was understood. "You said that I am your client. I can pay you for the advice for today but I really don't have any money at all."

Jaehyun shook his head quickly and raised his hands in front of him. "I don't want your money. When Hyunjun told me what happened I wanted to help you however I could. I planned to work for your pro bono."

"Pro bono? Don't you mean pro quid quo?" Sangyeon asked. The offer of free help wasn't anything he could refuse since the insurance company had announced that their investigation of the fire had already turned up suspicious activity and pending a secondary investigation they would take the relevant action. Sangyeon had already lost everything. He didn't want to give up but he didn't have very many options. Just because he was desperate it didn't mean he couldn't retain the tattered remnants of his pride. 

"I'm not doing this to get anything in return. I just want to help you. I know you don't like me, but please don't let that stop you from accepting help." 

Sangyeon sighed. Jaehyun looked somehow relieved, like that was signal enough that Sangyeon was giving in. For now Sangyeon really was giving in. He would work it out eventually, Jaehyun's insistence on inserting himself here. 

"Thank you," Sangyeon said. He wondered why humility tasted so much like desperation. "I don't dislike you, I just don't know why you are so eager to help me."

"Would you believe me if I said it was my strong sense of justice?" 

"Absolutely not."

It looked like Jaehyun was giving up too. The self-deprecating smile on his face as he glanced at the paperwork on the desk remained when he looked back at Sangyeon. 

"I trust you," Jaehyun said. "I know you didn't do it."

Sangyeon rolled his eyes. He should have known this customer was trouble when he realised how fond Hyunjun had become. Sangyeon didn't really need this man's unwavering pandering. The insurers had enough reason to suspect but the evidence must have existed to prove his innocence. There was no need for a meddling lawyer who wanted to fluff up this vanity project for their humanitarianism. 

With his palms flat against the table Sangyeon leaned forward and watched Jaehyun's mouth carefully for any fragments of words whilst he said what he needed to say himself. "You don't know what happened. If you think I had nothing to do with it even without having evidence it is a fair conclusion to say you did it, is it not? The restaurant was making losses every day. Maybe you tried to be kind and help me to get an insurance payout so I didn't lose everything. You started the fire and now you're feeling guilty about the possibility that I could get arrested for your supposedly good deed."

Jaehyun at least laughed. He shook his head and he bit his glistening lower lip to trap the remainder of his chuckles inside his mouth. 

"I'm not an ambulance chaser, Sangyeon. I didn't burn down the snackshop and neither did you."

Whether it was true or not, Sangyeon didn't have any answers for why everything he'd worked for was charred into nothingness. But he didn't really think Jaehyun had anything to do with the fire. 

"Where have you been going at six o'clock," Sangyeon asked. Jaehyun frowned and Sangyeon repeated the question. He added, "Since the fire." 

"I don't go anywhere anymore," Jaehyun said, his hands sounding out the admission too much like the truth. "I liked Flower Snack. Nowhere else is the same."

Sangyeon agreed with a smile. "Nowhere else is on fire."

"I wish someone had warned me you were like this," Jaehyun grumbled. Sangyeon hadn't imagined Jaehyun would need warning seeing as he knew the other employees at the snackshop so well, but this way had its charms. Jaehyun looked like he was already on the edge of exasperation and Sangyeon was curious as to how far the kindness reached before he got tired of someone like Sangyeon. 

*

Flower Snack was as much Hyunjun’s baby as it was Sangyeon’s, possibly more so. Hyunjun was the one who came up with the idea and encouraged Sangyeon to try something crazy seeing as life had given him a new opportunity. Seeing how spirited Hyunjun was after finding out what happened to the snackshop was strange. Sangyeon wasn't about to say that aloud though. He just quietly kept the thought to himself as Hyunjun enveloped him in a tight hug, the ends of his hair dripping water down the side of Sangyeon’s neck as he muttered something into Sangyeon’s shoulder. 

Sangyeon wondered whether he was the strange one seeing as he was so suspicious of this good mood. Hyunjun wasn't the type to go outside with wet hair but apparently he had decided to be a man who let the chlorine soak more deeply into his hair after he had been swimming. He had invited Sangyeon swimming too but there was something about the dead dullness of a cavernous room which set him on edge. He couldn't bear not being able to hear the jarring echoes of people's voices at the pool so he refused as he always did. That couldn't have been enough reason for Hyunjun to rush out to meet him. 

They didn't talk on their way to the hotel, or if Hyunjun did talk he didn't try too hard to get Sangyeon’s attention. The hotel wasn't far from the swimming baths where Hyunjun basked in his weightlessness and they didn't have to wait too long for a bus. They didn't even need to wait long to get a seat at the hotel restaurant where Chanhee worked. They even got a window table though the view wasn't particularly impressive. 

"Don't expect this treatment every time," Chanhee said as he pressed a menu into Sangyeon’s hands. "You're lucky it is quiet."

"Thank you," Sangyeon said. Hyunjun laughed and caught Chanhee's attention with a little wave of his hand. His eyes sparkled as he looked up to talk to Chanhee. Chanhee laughed too and then pressed his lips together as he glanced around the restaurant floor. As his gaze fell to Sangyeon once more he smiled. 

"Has Younghoon been in touch? He had a job interview this week."

"I haven't heard. I will give him a good reference."

Chanhee smiled. There was something in the way he lingered on Sangyeon before he jolted back to the moment. "Let me get you drinks."

"We haven't ordered." Sangyeon glanced down at the menu but Chanhee shook Sangyeon’s shoulder. 

"Complimentary drinks."

Chanhee dashed away and Hyunjun’s hand waved into Sangyeon’s vision before fluently segueing into his question. 

_"Did you hear from Jaehyun yet?"_

Jaehyun called around two days following the fire. Sangyeon wished he had more warning than Hyunjun’s text to let him know that he had kindly passed his details onto a lawyer. The lawyer in question was at the front door, insisting to Sangyeon’s mother that he was a friend, not a strange person, a moment after the message came through. Sangyeon suspected Hyunjun had belatedly remembered to let Sangyeon know rather than Jaehyun magically being able to appear within an instant already at the door but he didn't bother asking when he had invited Jaehyun inside. 

In Sangyeon’s bedroom, Jaehyun was fidgety and nervous as he convinced Sangyeon to accept his business card. It was more of a surprise that Hyunjun needed to ask whether any contact had been made. He was usually impatient so Sangyeon thought he would have already asked Jaehyun to make sure his plans had worked out as intended. 

"We've met a few times."

"Good. I don't want you to get into trouble."

"Don't worry," Sangyeon said. 

Chanhee returned with the drinks which looked more than easily complimentary. Not that Sangyeon knew much about the workings of fancy hotels. Maybe the prices on the menu were inflated for the sake of the workers giving away free drinks to old colleagues. 

"Anytime you need anything, just let me know."

Hyunjun piped up cheerily but whatever he said to Chanhee was met with horror. 

"You're being sued?" Chanhee asked. "Why aren't the insurers paying out?" 

"They think the fire was intentional."

Chanhee shook his head. "That's not right. They can't do that."

Chanhee turned to look at Hyunjun who was still smiling as he spoke but his expression didn't get any better. He excused himself and Sangyeon pretended he didn't mind being clueless. He wasn't going to ask Hyunjun what had been said. Part of Sangyeon didn't want to know but a bigger part of him needed convincing that he should embrace ignorance. 

Changing the subject was the better option so Sangyeon didn't need to think too hard about the fact that he existed on the periphery of everything. 

"Next time you should dry your hair. I don't want you to get a cold." 

Hyunjun grinned at Sangyeon before ducking his head to carefully read the menu. Sangyeon still hadn't decided what he wanted but he couldn't look down at the menu. Hyunjun smiled a lot. Being happy suited him, and Sangyeon was glad of that, but until the accident which quashed Hyunjun’s dreams and ambitions, there were many thoughts and concerns which he would confide in Sangyeon. There hadn't been a breath of any of that since they found themselves in the rhythm of this new friendship. Thinking back, Sangyeon couldn't actually remember just how recently it was that he had last tried to offer advice to his friend, to any friend at all, and realising that time had stretched on without him wasn't the dearest comfort. Even intentionally, there were things Hyunjun wasn't telling Sangyeon. 

So Sangyeon tried again with his clumsy and ill-balanced words. "Hyunjun, do you ever resent me for not supporting you enough after your accident?" 

Hyunjun’s head snapped up too quickly and Sangyeon was faced with dour confusion. Carefully, Sangyeon watched Hyunjun’s face and saw the tightening of his jaw before the deliberate pronunciation of the answer with lips and fingers.

"You looked after me. You visited nearly every day."

That response alone was enough for Sangyeon to confirm his suspicions. The words were too diplomatic and Hyunjun was intentionally only bringing up the civil parts of what happened. Even if Hyunjun phrased things like that, there was a reason that Hyunjun’s family didn't like Sangyeon. 

As Hyunjun said, Sangyeon had initially visited Hyunjun almost every day. Sangyeon went to the hospital and sat with Hyunjun for hours, talking to himself about nothing, and sometimes not talking at all, just hoping that he wouldn't need to see Hyunjun writhing with pain that shouldn't have existed. Sangyeon had never really known what to say when every syllable only compounded the grim expression on Hyunjun’s face. His own life revolved entirely around the conservatoire but he didn't want to grind salt into Hyunjun’s fresh surgical wounds by filling silences with chatter about dancing. Whether Sangyeon mentioned the conservatoire or not, Hyunjun’s expression would harden in Sangyeon’s presence. 

When Hyunjun was discharged from hospital, there were a few spare months before Sangyeon would have to plan his visits around rehab sessions as well as his own rehearsals and classes. That was when Hyunjun began responding to Sangyeon. The words Hyunjun offered gradually distilled until they were all acerbic as they burnt their way through Sangyeon’s head. 

At home, Hyunjun cried and screamed at Sangyeon because life just wasn't fair. Why did Hyunjun have to see someone who was a constant reminder of what he could no longer do, might never be able to do again? Sangyeon was the one who turned silent during these times. He sat beside Hyunjun to be screamed at until Hyunjun was too tired, his head aching and throat raw and his eyes too blurry and puffy to go on. When Sangyeon got home he would seal himself into his room and cry. He didn't want Hyunjun to shout at him, didn't want Hyunjun to be hurting at all, but there was nothing he could say or do to change that. 

One day the frustration was too much and Sangyeon didn't silently accept the words slung at him by Hyunjun. He'd asked what he was supposed to do, raised his voice, swore back, didn't care that Hyunjun’s parents could hear him too because the frustration had wound to a point that it seemed visiting Hyunjun was pointless if it only distressed him each time. Hyunjun was more upset this time, of course, when Sangyeon had shouted back. Hyunjun sounded like he meant it when he quietly requested Sangyeon didn't return. So Sangyeon didn't go back. Sangyeon didn't go to visit Hyunjun again and they only physically met each other almost a year later when Sangyeon was in hospital, submerged in the realisation that he couldn't hear himself crying. 

Seeing Hyunjun for that first time almost made the accident seem like a punishment. Sangyeon hadn't done well enough for his best friend so the universe pushed him off a balcony to see how he liked irreversible change. 

Hyunjun must already have heard that Sangyeon had been deafened by his fall because he smiled and wordlessly slipped his hand into Sangyeon’s and used his sleeve to dry Sangyeon’s tears and wipe away a smear of snot. 

Hyunjun hadn't let go since. 

And that was how Sangyeon knew that Hyunjun didn't even believe his own lie about Sangyeon looking after him. 

"Were you happy when you found out that I couldn't hear?" Sangyeon asked. 

"No!" More words came but they weren't in the usual way Hyunjun spoke to Sangyeon. These words were jumbled, didn't connect to each other in ways that made any sense, so Sangyeon went ahead and spoke over them. 

"I was. I felt relieved. We were even. Except you didn't get scared off. You're always with me, and you're always trying to help me. But what about you? You're still going through a hard time. You're still in pain."

Again, Hyunjun’s words were too fast, too stuttered and jumbled for Sangyeon to attempt to make out by lipreading alone. 

"Are you happy?" Sangyeon asked. 

Hyunjun closed his mouth and glanced around the restaurant, just the same way Chanhee had previously, before his gaze settled on Sangyeon’s face. He might not have stayed if Sangyeon asked the question in his mouth, if Sangyeon asked whether Hyunjun was looking for his escape. Instead Sangyeon waited to hear what Hyunjun wanted to say. 

"I haven't been happy seeing bad things happen to you," Hyunjun said, each word slow with his determination to be heard. "Being with you again is what makes me happy."

He didn't answer the question though. "Are you happy?" 

"Yes."

"Why?" 

"Sangyeon, what's the matter?" Hyunjun asked. Sangyeon couldn't hear him but he could tell Hyunjun’s voice was quiet, cautious, worried. 

"I don't want to be like this anymore," Sangyeon said. Hyunjun began to speak but ignoring people was easy when Sangyeon couldn't hear anything. "I am pathetic. All you do is look after me and pretend to be happy. Why can't you be sad around me?" 

Hyunjun made a gesture that Sangyeon hadn't seen for a while. It was meant to ask Sangyeon to be quiet. Sangyeon wondered why he was considered loud. Hyunjun shook his head, blinked his eyes too fast, and reached for Sangyeon’s hand. 

"Let's go home. We should come back another time."

"It will be the same," Sangyeon said as he looked at their hands together. "You will pretend to be happy. I won't ever do anything good for you. I'm sorry, Hyunjun."

Sangyeon couldn't look at Hyunjun across the table but he didn't need to. Hyunjun had stopped pretending to be happy. Sangyeon didn't particularly want to see it but he didn't need to see it to know that Hyunjun’s carefully constructed happiness was crumbling. 

Chanhee looked worried as he approached their table but he was the sort of person who knew what to do. He had tissues for Hyunjun and he ordered a taxi for both of them and was able to send them away with tight hugs and the assurance that he would see them both soon. 

They went home, to Sangyeon’s house, and Sangyeon fetched comfortable clothes for Hyunjun and thanked his mother for making a warm drink for Hyunjun which she would probably need to reheat later. 

Sangyeon wasn't any less pathetic. Hyunjun was the one who paid for the taxi. He paid for everything as he had since the compensation payout from his accident. Sangyeon was pathetic and he had even made Hyunjun cry. He couldn't change anything. 

Sangyeon couldn't hear Hyunjun cry in his bed but he could see it. Sangyeon reached for Hyunjun and pulled him close against his chest. Sangyeon couldn't see Hyunjun cry but he could feel it. 

"I'm sorry," he said. 

Hyunjun leaned back and clapped his hands over Sangyeon’s ears. His face was a mess, splotchy and red and soaked with tears, but this time Sangyeon couldn't look away.

"When was the last time you cried?" Sangyeon asked. His chest ached with the need to know but he was afraid of the answer, afraid to hear that Hyunjun had stifled too much of himself for too long. Perhaps he already knew what Sangyeon was afraid of and that was why he ignored the question and forced his words through the great gasping breaths which accompanied them. 

"I don't want to let you see me cry again. I don't want you to leave me again."

Sangyeon closed his eyes. He didn't want to see anymore after concentrating to see words like those. It was a horrible, selfish part of him, but Sangyeon couldn't bear the weight of Hyunjun’s feelings he was carrying alone all this time. 

"I won't leave you, Hyunjun. Ever."

Sangyeon couldn't hear what Hyunjun said in response but he felt the words against his chest. Sangyeon didn't ever want to hear the words, he didn't want to know just how wary Hyunjun was of their history repeating itself. He simply held Hyunjun until the crying stopped. 

*

A sallow-faced man came to Sangyeon’s home. He looked tired but that didn't diminish the sternness in his eyes. Sangyeon’s mother offered the man a drink and he accepted the offer despite having no intentions to actually drink anything. He sat on the edge of his seat with his brown briefcase to the left of his feet, and he looked as though all his energy was dedicated to maintaining his ramrod posture. That must have been why the movements of his lips were imperceptible as he talked and talked. 

This man was wearing a brown suit, ugly and boring and distracting and Sangyeon wanted to laugh. Jaehyun wasn't the only one who believed in the power of brown suits. Of course the power was imagined. The brown suit didn't make Sangyeon inclined to care for the words he didn't understand. 

Once the man was done talking and talking, he looked expectantly at Sangyeon. And then Sangyeon slowly said, "I am deaf."

The words were enough to wake the man up a bit. He jolted visibly and started to speak slowly enough to distort whatever it was that he was attempting to say. A cough was enough to hide the flicker of Sangyeon’s smile as he watched the man's lips and still found himself clueless. 

"Can you write it?" Sangyeon interrupted whilst miming his request. The man looked disgruntled but no less uncomfortable. At times like this it seemed useful to be able to make people feel uncomfortable. It was going to be enough to buy some time as the man spoke louder, words no more discernible than before but the shapes he made were exaggerated enough to convey his intent. He'd send a letter.

Sangyeon’s mother saw the man off and then returned to scold Sangyeon for playing up. Her fingers grazed against the naked shells of Sangyeon’s ears and then she flicked him with her tea towel whilst he laughed. 

The commotion attracted Hyunjun from his hiding place in Sangyeon’s bed and he slotted himself against Sangyeon’s side. His hand slid into Sangyeon’s and he sat quietly until Sangyeon’s mum decided she had exhausted all of her irritation. She left to fetch Hyunjun a snack, face softening rapidly when she convinced herself that Hyunjun was starving after being shut away in Sangyeon’s room, and then Hyunjun was much less taciturn when he wordlessly drew Sangyeon’s attention. 

_"That man came to talk about the restaurant,"_ he signed. 

"He did," Sangyeon confirmed. 

_"Are you going to tell Jaehyun?"_

"Why?" Sangyeon asked. Hyunjun huffed and pinched Sangyeon’s side. "Ouch! What was that for?" 

"You have to tell Jaehyun. He already told me that we have to tell him if someone comes to speak to you," Hyunjun grumbled, not bothering to cue the sounds of his speech with his hand. 

As irritating as it was that Jaehyun was getting Hyunjun to look out for Sangyeon, it was unsettling that the man in the brown suit had arrived at Sangyeon’s home. Obviously this was something to tell Jaehyun about but Sangyeon didn't know what the visit was for. 

"They will send a letter."

"We still need to tell Jaehyun," Hyunjun said. He retrieved Sangyeon’s phone and called Jaehyun on speaker phone. 

Sangyeon sighed. Hyunjun looked determined before the call connected. Sangyeon shuffled away and watched as Hyunjun said, "No, this is Hyunjun."

There was more back and forth between Hyunjun and Jaehyun until Hyunjun laughed.

"What?" 

"He's screaming," Hyunjun grinned. In his tiny voice he added, "Like this, 'ahhh!'" 

Sangyeon laughed and wondered whether he was really expected to take Jaehyun seriously. Hyunjun kept laughing as he spoke to Jaehyun until the call ended. Hyunjun didn't stop smiling. 

"Jaehyun wants to see you this week."

"Did he say when?" 

"Not yet," Hyunjun said as he put down Sangyeon’s phone. There was something suspicious about the way his hands settled on his knees but Hyunjun didn't let Sangyeon dwell on that for too long before signing. 

"What are you saying?" 

"Oh," Hyunjun said. "Do you not know what that means?" 

"No?" 

"I think my friend must have taught me something strange," Hyunjun said with a pensive pout. "Nevermind. Anyway, what are you going to wear?" 

Sangyeon glanced down at his current clothes and then looked up at Hyunjun uncertainly. Obviously Hyunjun wasn't talking about this current moment but Sangyeon didn't have any better ideas. 

"When?" 

"When you see Jaehyun of course!" The brightness of his tone was obvious. But not for any good reason. Sangyeon liked clothes but he wasn't as determined as Hyunjun to tailor his position at the top of fashion. 

"Does it matter?" 

"You have to look good so he knows you are excited to see him."

Sangyeon laughed. Hyunjun was strange. "Why would I be excited to see a lawyer?" 

"Jaehyun isn't just a lawyer, he's Jaehyun," Hyunjun said as though he expected that to mean anything. "He's excited to see you. He even said he has his suit picked out."

"He wore a brown suit last time," Sangyeon said. Hyunjun was not impressed. Sangyeon was glad that, even if he didn't exactly follow fashion to the extent that Hyunjun did, they were of the same consensus. Maybe all brown suits were inherently bad because Hyunjun looked disappointed even when he tried to respond. 

"He's still excited. You need to let him know that you are excited too."

Sangyeon didn't need to let Jaehyun know anything of the sort but Hyunjun was determined. The issue was that he wasn't equipped enough to let Jaehyun know how exciting seeing him was. 

"These are all your clothes?" Hyunjun asked as he pointed at the mountain of garments piled onto Sangyeon’s bed. Sangyeon didn't bother looking. He knew what he wore every day. He didn't need to miss Hyunjun’s next words. "That's what you wear outside every day?" 

"Yes."

Hyunjun shook his head. "Why? Don't you want to look nice?" 

"What's wrong with my clothes?" 

Hyunjun had vetoed every outfit Sangyeon had suggested. Initially it had been funny but Sangyeon quickly got bored of Hyunjun’s dissatisfaction. 

"If you hated my clothes, shouldn't you have said something before now?" Sangyeon asked. 

"You didn't need to impress anyone before," Hyunjun said worriedly. "You should have come to me before you visited him in a polo shirt and cargo shorts. What is he going to think of you?" 

"I don't think he will care," Sangyeon offered. 

"He will care. He is excited to see you," Hyunjun pointed out. "I have to find out when Chanhee is free. You need serious help."

Sangyeon laughed. That was charming. He supposed he didn't mind because Hyunjun needed to be useful at moments when only he could. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sangyeon and Jaehyun talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains sexual content and also ends with a pretty sketchy conversation where things are inferred about mental health

Jaehyun wore a grey suit for the video conference with the insurance company's lawyers. He smiled as he greeted Sangyeon into his office which felt far more like a converted supply cupboard than a room built for the purpose of storing all of Jaehyun’s files in jumbled boxes behind his desk which spanned the width of the office. There were even scuff marks on the walls just in case Sangyeon was under any illusions that the size of the desk was proportional to the tiny room. 

"How do you sit at your desk?" Sangyeon asked. When he was half a step into the room. Jaehyun smiled sheepishly as he looked back at the desk and then at Sangyeon. 

"Can you promise to close your eyes?" 

"No."

"Fine," Jaehyun grumbled. And then Sangyeon had to watch Jaehyun scramble across the top of his desk, bashing his computer monitor with his knee and knocking the mouse to the floor, before he ended up on the other side and he pulled his light grey blazer straight. 

Deciding it was safe, Sangyeon took the empty seat on the client-side of the desk and tried not to smile too much. But this was ridiculous. "Do you really do this every time you have clients here?" 

"I don't bring clients here. I thought I should be honest with you though."

"I feel honoured."

"And I'm not wearing brown today," Jaehyun pointed out. "Is this sexy silver suit more to your tastes?" 

"It's grey." Sangyeon couldn't miss the downward turn of Jaehyun’s mouth so he went ahead and admitted, "You look great. I am not sure the gingham tie does you any favours though."

Jaehyun slid to his left and fidgeted about out of view before laying out a selection of neckties on the desk. "I have spares. Pick one."

Sangyeon was impressed. "Were you expecting me to ask you to change?" 

Jaehyun grinned. He said, "I'm representing you. I want to look how you want me to look."

As excuses went, that was an awful one but Jaehyun was impressive. Cute, in his own way. Sangyeon appreciated the preemptive effort. That being said, Sangyeon had hoped for some mention of his own clothes. Hyunjun had worked himself to the point of exasperation just for the sake of putting together a presentable outfit. It wasn't a fancy suit but it was more effort than Sangyeon had made when seeing Jaehyun before. But maybe Jaehyun was really as clueless as Sangyeon when it came to the subtle nuances of fashion. After all, he had worn a brown suit by choice. 

Sangyeon had his own choice to make as he scanned the selection of neckties Jaehyun had been keeping in a desk drawer. 

"Red with polka-dots." 

"You think that is better than this one?" Jaehyun asked as he pointed at each tie. 

"I'm the client, remember? Come here," Sangyeon said. He reached across the desk and leaned forwards. It was easy loosening the tie and pulling it free of Jaehyun’s collar. It was less easy to knot the replacement necktie. 

The weight of being stared at was too heavy and in the rush to shed that weight, Sangyeon’s fingers fumbled too much to properly hold the silken fabric. It wasn't fair that he should feel flustered just for a small action like this. Sangyeon loosened the tie and had another go at tying it properly. By the time it was done, Jaehyun was smiling gently. 

"What?" Sangyeon asked. 

"Nothing," Jaehyun said. "This just feels like a good day."

They both leaned back in their seats and Sangyeon wondered what made Jaehyun so sure this was a good day. Seeing Jaehyun so certain, smiling just for the sake of it, made Sangyeon hope that he could have a good day too. 

The day seemed far less good by the time the videocall with the insurance company's team rolled around. Jaehyun looked happy in his replacement tie and he even gave Sangyeon his own link to view the meeting. The connection wasn't good. Sangyeon didn't have a clue what the other lawyers were saying and now he didn't have a clue what Jaehyun was saying either. Usually he was careful when he talked, measured syllables and pauses that were heavy enough that Sangyeon knew where all the gaps were meant to be and what all of the words were meant to be. The entire duration of the call, Jaehyun stumbled over words and rushed through all the things he wanted to say before the opposing team interrupted. 

The timings were off and Sangyeon couldn't really work out who was talking at any time and he couldn't even understand the lag anyway. Sangyeon gave up on trying to follow. He just hoped that Jaehyun wouldn't be too low after this was all done. 

The videocall froze enough times that it wasn't possible to tell when the static image on the screen was really the end of the call. But Jaehyun made it obvious enough. He was practically tearing his hair out of his scalp as he sagged in his seat. Unfortunately Sangyeon couldn't get around the desk to give him a pat on the back. 

"Are you alright?" 

Jaehyun lifted his head up, face a miserable shade of red compared to the pallor of his hands as they indicated the phonemes of his words with half-hearted motions of his fingers. "Yes. Absolutely fine. That went well, couldn't you tell?" 

"Are you going to cry?" 

"No. Do you want lunch?" 

"What?" 

"Let's go to lunch. I need to get out of this stupid office. We can discuss things as we eat."

Sangyeon most certainly could not discuss anything whilst eating. There was too much to think about but he found himself smiling. "Let's go."

Unsurprisingly, they didn't talk much at all about Sangyeon’s legal issues. Jaehyun talked a lot, mostly to ask Sangyeon about himself but hardly anything was relevant to the insurance difficulties. He was keen to learn Sangyeon’s favourite places, his favourite foods, how he met Hyunjun, whether he had dreamt of being a restaurateur since his youth, what his hopes for the future were. It was odd. Boring. Sangyeon already knew all these things about himself but he was wary about returning the questions so quickly. 

The way Jaehyun reacted to being asked the same questions was strange. Surprise freezing in his face each time. But he cautiously offered his own answers slowly. 

Sangyeon had a distinct idea of what this lunch felt like but it was the sort of impossible thing he was mistaking just because it had been so long since he had experienced the real thing. He didn't mention it, even when Jaehyun said he was paying and wouldn't accept any refusals of the offer. 

"Can I take you home?" Jaehyun asked. 

"What?" Sangyeon scoffed. Instantly Jaehyun's face flushed and his eyes skittered around as his mouth attempted fragments of words. He eventually managed to put his thoughts in order before speaking them into the universe. 

"I want to take you to your home. Just to your door. I don't mean your bed. Sangyeon, please stop laughing at me. I just want to make sure you get home safe. It's the middle of the afternoon."

Sangyeon patted Jaehyun's arm to get him to stop talking, to put him out of his misery.

"I can get home safely just fine."

"I would feel better if I could see you home."

"Is this how you treat all of your clients?" 

Jaehyun shook his head, smiled bashfully. "No. Sorry. Wait, it isn't because of your ears. I just want to end our meeting nicely. Just this once. Can I do that?" 

Jaehyun looked hesitant and Sangyeon found himself smiling. He was a strange man. If Sangyeon was honest with himself he was curious about Jaehyun too. "You can take me home."

Jaehyun laughed, relief seeping through his shoulders. 

Jaehyun took Sangyeon home in a taxi. They didn't speak to each other but Jaehyun spoke to the driver looking almost nervous about it. When they reached Sangyeon’s house, Jaehyun got out of the taxi with him. Outside the front door, Sangyeon wondered whether anybody could see them right now. 

"Am I safe enough for you?" 

Jaehyun nodded, smiled, and shrugged his shoulders coyly. He said something but Sangyeon didn't catch it. Sangyeon tapped Jaehyun's arm and asked him to repeat himself. Jaehyun's mouth pulled in guilt before he repeated himself. "You're safe."

Jaehyun licked his lips and Sangyeon caught the glimmer of wetness swiping across his lower lip. 

"What do you think of me?" Sangyeon asked. It clearly wasn't a question Jaehyun had anticipated and seeing that so clearly made Sangyeon glad. Even making Jaehyun uncomfortable didn't feel so bad. 

"You're nice," Jaehyun said. That was a terrible answer. Jaehyun realised that himself. "You're impressive. Running your own business is admirable. Even if it was hard you kept going. I had always wanted to get to know you because I always thought you were cool."

"I can only accept the first answer," Sangyeon said, grinning as Jaehyun deflated. "Do you want to know what i think of you?" 

"That's too scary."

Sangyeon went ahead anyway. It wasn't like Jaehyun was going to ask him to stop. "You were annoying. Everyone else liked you for some reason. I never wanted to talk to you because I hated Flower Snack. But you're interesting."

"I'm interesting?" 

Sangyeon nodded. "You're interesting." 

Jaehyun smiled and scratched the back of his head. "I think you are interesting too."

"I know," Sangyeon said. 

They were still just standing on the doorstep. Jaehyun was wearing the tie that Sangyeon chose. There were certain factors which Sangyeon was aware of that made the situation seem a certain way. It wasn't genuinely a situation anybody had wanted to engineer with Sangyeon for a very long time. Despite that, this occasion felt intentional because Sangyeon could distort the thoughts to trick himself into believing he was in a certain situation. 

And Jaehyun smiled wider at Sangyeon. 

Sangyeon wasn't sure what made him so brave, what made him want to pretend that he was the sort of man who got to live through stories like this. Sangyeon wanted to be exciting, he wanted to be interesting, he wanted to be wanted, he wanted to be the sort of man people fell for too quickly. But nobody had looked at him the way Jaehyun did for way too long and Sangyeon wanted to see if this was it, if this was what normal people got to experience. 

He asked Jaehyun to lean in closer, pretended he couldn't hear words Jaehyun had never even said, and kissed him. 

*

Sangyeon woke up from his nap with Hyunjun slotted perfectly against his chest, chattering. He didn't remember whether Hyunjun had been talking to him before but he hoped not. Talking like this would have been strange considering Sangyeon couldn't see Hyunjun’s face so he wouldn't have a hope of catching a single word. 

Hyunjun chuckled and even started playing with Sangyeon’s fingers as he chattered away. This was the point when Sangyeon thought best to check whether Hyunjun had forgotten how things were. 

"What are you saying?" 

Hyunjun shot up and awkwardly blinked down at Sangyeon. "Could you hear me?" 

Sangyeon shook his head. "You're quiet. I could feel you though."

Hyunjun smiled awkwardly. "My friend who I met at Sign Language classes kissed me."

Sangyeon sat up and shook Hyunjun’s shoulders before pulling him close for a tight hug. Hyunjun was still talking, though Sangyeon couldn't hear a word. Feeling Hyunjun’s exaltation had Sangyeon feeling giddy himself and he knew nothing of the situation. Being able to see Hyunjun’s face made things slightly clearer. 

"What were you saying about this friend?" 

" _We went to watch a movie. We went for a walk and he kissed me_." Hyunjun signed carefully. He glanced down at his lap before smiling up at Sangyeon. Aloud, he said, "I have liked him for a while but I didn't expect that he would be interested in someone like me."

"Of course he would be interested," Sangyeon said. "You're perfect, Hyunjun. It is good your friend could see this." Hyunjun shook his head in disagreement but Sangyeon squeezed his hand firmly. "You are perfect. This friend of yours had better make you realise it soon. If not, you should tell him that you know a criminal who will teach him a lesson."

Hyunjun surveyed Sangyeon cautiously for a moment before bursting into laughter. 

"Are you the criminal? I don't think you will be able to intimidate Sunwoo."

"You're only saying that because I have never had to be scary around you," Sangyeon joked. Hyunjun grinned and reached to grasp Sangyeon’s free hand. 

"Will you lie to Jaehyun too and tell him that I will fight him if he hurts you?" 

"What?" 

"I can't believe I had to hear about your kiss from Jaehyun and not from you," Hyunjun said. 

"I didn't think you would want to know."

"I definitely want to know about you being in love," Hyunjun said with a whimsical smile. Seeing those words take shape on Hyunjun’s lips chilled Sangyeon. He really hadn't thought that kiss in particular was anything to make a fuss about but it was only natural to take an interest. Sangyeon was interested in hearing about Hyunjun getting to see a rose-tinted world but the same view wasn't possible for Sangyeon himself. Not even with a man who had jostled his way into Sangyeon’s life the way Jaehyun had. 

"I'm not in love," Sangyeon said. 

Hyunjun rolled his eyes. Sangyeon supposed Hyunjun wanted them to be happy in the same ways even if that sort of thing wasn't entirely possible. 

*

In the year and a half since the accident, nobody had touched Sangyeon with intent like this. Once the initial therapy and rehabilitation had run its course Sangyeon found that nobody touched him at all for any reason other than a hand on his forearm to catch his attention. 

For a long time nothing mattered. If Sangyeon hadn't even wanted to exist as himself it made sense that nobody wanted to know him intimately. After pretending that all the scars from the accident had healed he was afraid to search for a person who would want to hold him and his family never restarted asking when he might find someone. He was undesirable as he was so it was to be expected that he would forgo parts of life that were the fondest fragments of gossip to be found on lips back when Sangyeon was part of the world. 

But Jaehyun had shivered against Sangyeon, leaking desire, as he asked if this was something he was allowed to want. Pressed into Jaehyun's mattress, Sangyeon wondered himself whether he was allowed to want this. 

Every touch was followed by the warmth of a gasp which evaporated from Sangyeon’s skin. Goosebumps erupted along the cloying wet of open-mouthed kisses once Jaehyun's lips had abandoned one path for another. The dense weight of Jaehyun’s lean body against Sangyeon trapped him in place with the odd realisation that somebody was interested in discovering all the most sensitive parts of his body. 

There was something frantic about the way Jaehyun held Sangyeon’s legs open and sought the meagre friction of grinding their arousals together. Sangyeon wanted to pull Jaehyun closer but wasn't sure how they could exist whilst removing the distance of electrons which had pleasure sparking through his entire body. Sangyeon asked through kisses but no answer came. All Sangyeon could hear was the silent rush of blood ebbing temporally through his head as his lungs starved for air he wouldn't find from Jaehyun's mouth. The distance was strange, especially as Jaehyun was speaking. Sangyeon felt the words Jaehyun said vibrating through his slick lips as he fused to Sangyeon’s skin, the indistinct drag of syllables mouthed against his flesh, yet there wasn't a hope of understanding what any of it meant. 

Sangyeon didn't even know what his own words meant, whether he had even asked for anything coherent however Jaehyun had an answer all the same. Already Sangyeon was overwhelmed from feeling too much at once, more than he ever had in the monotony of a life reborn, but he found a new precipice of sensation when Jaehyun sank slowly onto his cock. 

Jaehyun's lips parted and his eyes fluttered shut and he rode Sangyeon at a laborious pace. Sangyeon’s ears ached. He wished he could hear the sounds that matched the movement of Jaehyun’s hips, the voice that streamed from his throat after he swallowed down something that almost looked like pain, the rustling of the sheets as they slipped free of the tension holding them in place beneath the carnal desperation bringing Jaehyun closer to the high he needed, the noises that weren't accompanied by anything Sangyeon could discern in the light of Jaehyun’s bedroom. 

Though Sangyeon wished to hear it all, no sounds reached him. He felt too far from his own body, too far from Jaehyun who was stroking himself through a twitching climax. 

When Jaehyun was done, not being able to hear felt more like a blessing. He only had to see the uncertainty on Jaehyun's face as he rolled the condom off Sangyeon’s dwindling arousal. Sangyeon didn't have to hear the accusation that he hadn't come. He closed his eyes before any such words came until he felt Jaehyun move away. 

"I'm sorry," Sangyeon said into the void of the room around him. 

Hands cradled Sangyeon’s face, steady with a tentative kiss pressed to his forehead. Jaehyun's thumbs swiped over Sangyeon’s cheeks. Sangyeon opened his eyes, too hot and blurry, but Jaehyun was above him repeating the same soundless words over. 

"It's okay."

Sangyeon wasn't so sure. He didn't feel like he was okay. He was more aware of how different he was than ever. He was useless, even at a time like this when he was so close to something he had considered as confirmation that he could be normal. Sangyeon wasn't normal. He was an idiot who had hoped too much that he could feed flattery to the parts of himself which had lost their worth since silence settled so densely in his life. 

Jaehyun was talking, saying too much to keep up with, but he was patient. He kept talking, saying more of the same until Sangyeon could bear to know the words. 

Sangyeon watched Jaehyun's lips. 

"Can I touch you?" 

Sangyeon felt oddly bitter. Jaehyun was already touching him. He didn't care anymore, though he would have preferred Jaehyun just left him rather than kept going to see how else Sangyeon would fail to react. 

Jaehyun tugged on Sangyeon’s hand and held it close to his chest. He was frowning but he said, "Tell me to stop and I will stop."

Sangyeon shrugged, tipped his head back onto the pillow and stared up at the ceiling. As curious as he was, Sangyeon didn't see how anything could fix him. Nonetheless Jaehyun persevered. Feeling the struggle of Jaehyun trying to roll another condom onto Sangyeon’s flaccid disappointment must have been comical. Sangyeon would have laughed if his self-loathing wasn't compounded by the glaring evidence of the defects nobody had warned him about. 

"You can give up," Sangyeon said. He blinked away the sight of Jaehyun approaching his field of vision to make a response but he couldn't keep his eyes closed forever. 

"Do you want me to?" 

Sangyeon didn't say anything in return. No, he didn't want Jaehyun to give up. He wanted Jaehyun to magically fix him but that was a stupid thing to want. There was no point in being unrealistic. 

Undeterred by the silence, Jaehyun tried again, slowly fingered Sangyeon and kissed him languidly as though there was nothing to worry about. As though this was all that mattered. And maybe it was. 

Sangyeon still didn't come, was just frustratingly impotent until he asked Jaehyun to stop. But Jaehyun still smiled as he took Sangyeon into the bathroom. Both of them getting the full spray of the shower was impossible in Jaehyun's tiny bathroom but Jaehyun kept sending Sangyeon glances which were inexplicably beatific. 

Somehow the bathroom made communicating difficult but Sangyeon managed to convey enough when he lowered himself fully beneath the stream of the shower. Being out of practice, Sangyeon couldn't lose the hesitant edge as he sucked Jaehyun off, but he felt the gratitude for even attempting in the tentative touch of Jaehyun’s fingers before he pulled Sangyeon off his heavy cock. 

Jaehyun came, sagging against Sangyeon, and kissed any questions right out of his mouth. 

They went to sit on Jaehyun's deflated sofa in the dark for the rest of the evening once they were fresh and dry and wearing comfortable clothes. A drama boxset was chosen to stream at random but Sangyeon closed his eyes despite the subtitles. Leaning against Jaehyun's shoulder, it felt better to watch the indistinct flashing from the television through his eyelids. It almost felt as though he could see the same things he could hear, only his ears weren't closed. His ears were patiently waiting for sound to reach them but his brain couldn't be certain of anything quieter than an engine roaring to life right beside him. 

Jaehyun whispered words that only made it as far as the nerves on Sangyeon’s skin. Sangyeon opened his eyes but didn't bother asking what had been said. Jaehyun spoke again anyway. The words weren't anything that Sangyeon had any business knowing. He pretended it was too dark to make out the shape of Jaehyun’s lips in the dim room. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against Jaehyun's shoulder once more. 

*

"You talk to Hyunjun a lot," Sangyeon said in Jaehyun's stuffy little office. Jaehyun looked surprised, oddly in the same way as he had when Sangyeon first arrived a few minutes early, but his face quickly broke into a wide grin just from the mention of Hyunjun. 

"He's cute. I like him." 

"He's easy to like," Sangyeon agreed. "I have known him for a long time. I want to look after him a lot."

Jaehyun smiled softly and shuffled some papers redundantly. When he spoke there was hesitance in his words that didn't only stem from having to think about using cued speech. "When he talks to me he says the same about you. The two of you are very sweet. It almost makes me jealous. 

"Hyunjun told me that after your accident he went to learn to sign and to use cued speech with you. He didn't want to leave you alone. I said I wanted to talk to you and Hyunjun suggested classes to learn cued speech. We went to a few classes together and then I started going alone because I wanted to get it right. I think I still forget some of the sounds which share shapes and I don't always link things together but I am happy that I can almost make you understand me. 

"Hyunjun has helped me to practice a lot. He was very excited about me wanting to learn to speak with you. I won't easily forget the first thing he helped me to learn."

Jaehyun paused. Sangyeon supposed he was meant to ask, so he did and Jaehyun smiled before speaking and cueing more quickly than Sangyeon had seen him do before. It was almost jarring, not quite being able to keep up, but the words themselves were more important. 

"It is nice to meet you, Sangyeon. My name is Lee Jaehyun. I would like to get to know you better. Would you like to meet me for a drink some time?"

Even if Jaehyun turned pink with his words, Sangyeon felt more embarrassed than he ever had in his life. 

"Thank goodness you never said that to me."

Jaehyun grinned. "I always regretted hesitating. Even if I don't practice, I can't forget what I was meant to say to you. Hyunjun was a good teacher. He was determined. Was it like this right from the start?" 

Sangyeon couldn't help but smile himself. He nodded. 

"Hyunjun seemed shy at first but he saw my university logo on my coursework when we were on the bus. He started talking to me because he was interested in attending the same conservatoire."

"He told me you both danced," Jaehyun said. "Apparently you were really good."

Sangyeon almost laughed. He still wasn't quite at that stage yet. He couldn't laugh. 

"I had to give up a job at the national ballet. After the accident, the offer was withdrawn because I couldn't dance. I couldn't hear. Before that, I was good." 

"So you don't dance," Jaehyun said. That was right. Sangyeon didn't dance. But Jaehyun signed his next observation and it made Sangyeon wonder who taught him this specific phrase for the syntax to be formed so quickly with his hands and face. _"Does Hyunjun dance?"_

"He can't dance," Sangyeon offered. The expression on Jaehyun's face was obvious. He hadn't heard any reason why this was the case. But Hyunjun wasn't the type to actually hide things. He just avoided certain topics. Sangyeon couldn't avoid that topic. He was jealous to an extent but he doubted that Hyunjun had avoided mentioning his circumstances completely. 

"I can't hear. It's not a disability, it's a difference," Sangyeon told Jaehyun. It was a line he had hated whenever Hyunjun would parrot it at him near-soundlessly. It was something that people much closer to being profoundly deaf said the few times Sangyeon went to the group sessions that weren't touted as group therapy, just meetings where he could talk to people who were different in the same way he was. 

Some of those people really had been different in the same way Sangyeon was. Some of those people could just say they had hearing loss or were hard of hearing. Life wasn't over, Sangyeon was deafened but people were willing to show him how to be Deaf. Except Sangyeon hated it because none of those people had lost themselves the opportunity to dance for the National Ballet. 

Looking back, Sangyeon wished he had been more open to understanding Deaf culture. The people at the group lived without sound and there wasn't anything missing from their lives. If Sangyeon hadn't been so bitter and had really attended the groups recommended by doctors, therapists, and tutors for cued speech he might have learnt something. Instead he lied to his family and to those who referred him for months until he told them it wasn't for him, he didn't fit in. Whether or not Sangyeon fit in there he certainly didn't feel as though he fit back into his real life. 

The accident forced him to take time out to recover but he was too changed to slot back into reality as the man he wanted to be for his entire life. Even now he hadn't totally reconciled with the facts, what he now was and who he would be, but Hyunjun was a memory of an old life who refused to be forgotten. 

Hyunjun decided to learn sign language, absorbing the grammar and structure of a language foreign to his hands, and he had learnt cued speech and even encouraged someone else to pick it up for the sake of talking to Sangyeon, and he had made a few friends from the courses who taught him about being Deaf and what he could do to help his poor, sad friend be happy. But he didn't fit into the same life as before either. It might not have been Sangyeon’s place to tell Jaehyun, Hyunjun’s old favourite customer and new friend, but he had asked what was wrong and Sangyeon needed to say things. 

"I can't dance but that is just one thing. If my whole life hadn't revolved around ballet before the accident, I might not have taken the change so hard. Regardless of what I first thought when it happened, this is just a different way of living, not a disability. If I wanted to dance, what would stop me aside from the fact I can't hear the music? Absolutely nothing. I obviously wouldn't be able to dance well and nobody would choose me, even from an audition for a little community fête performance, but if I turned the music up as loud as it goes in a room that echoes? I could dance. 

"But for people like us, people who would give up anything to dance, Hyunjun does have a disability. It was around a year before my accident that Hyunjun was in an accident of his own. During a rehearsal something wore loose in the light rigging and one of the huge stage lights fell on him. Crushed his leg. So he hasn't been able to dance for much longer than me."

Jaehyun raised his eyebrows and his hand covered his mouth, stock surprise. Sangyeon waited to see what Jaehyun had to say. It took a while but Sangyeon supposed that was how people tended to react when told of tragedies. People like Jaehyun tried to keep the despair inside, stopper their mouths with the sieve of their fingers. And then he remembered that Sangyeon couldn't hear him without seeing him, even in the quiet of his office. He dropped his hands to the desk and smoothed his palms over the stack of documents he had tried to cover when Sangyeon arrived. He only spoke with his mouth. 

"Why do you say it like it is so different for Hyunjun? Isn't he just living life differently too?" 

"He didn't take to his new lifestyle well," Sangyeon said. 

"And you did?" Jaehyun asked. A moment later Jaehyun began marking the phonetics of his next words with his hand once more. "Do you want to know why I really don't think that you burnt Flower Snack yourself?" 

Sangyeon shrugged. "Go ahead."

"If you had started the fire you would have been inside the restaurant."

"Wouldn't a good arsonist have an escape route?" Sangyeon asked. 

"You wouldn't have wanted to escape," Jaehyun said. 

The fact that he said it so plainly had Sangyeon itching with discomfort. He didn't want to ask what Jaehyun meant even though it was his only way of playing coy. The meaning was obvious enough but Sangyeon didn't understand how Jaehyun could easily voice an assumption like that. 

"That's a bold thing to say."

Jaehyun nodded. "It is."

He didn't elaborate but Sangyeon couldn't refute even that level of accusation. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sangyeon learns a lot

Considering how certain he had been that he wouldn't have much time to see people like Sangyeon because he was so busy with work, Chanhee was the one who asked to meet. Sangyeon didn't have anything better to do so he had no reason not to go. He wasn't sure when he would next get to see Chanhee to find out how he was doing anyway. 

After the debacle the last time Sangyeon saw Chanhee he knew he had even more reason to appear normal than just the assumption Jaehyun made. It wasn't entirely likely that everyone thought that Sangyeon had reached a point of giving up on everything but Chanhee's expression was certainly cautious. 

"Is this alright?" Chanhee asked as they sat on the stone bench surrounded by roses in bloom. They had walked around most of the paths on the garden map, mostly just taking pictures and enjoying the sights of the flower garden but the weather was good so it ended up being a good day. The view from the bench where they ended up wasn't half bad, overlooking a vast circular flowerbed with splashes of every colour imaginable. 

"This is fine," Sangyeon said. Chanhee nodded and pressed his lips together. 

"I didn't want to take you out to eat anywhere. I get sick of restaurants. I assume you do too." 

Sangyeon shrugged. "I haven't been to a restaurant since I was with Hyunjun for lunch at your hotel."

"Ah," Chanhee said. He must have had more things to say than that but he didn't voice any of his thoughts, at least not right away. 

"Being outside is nice," Sangyeon said. "We should do more things like this. Is this what you do with Younghoon?" 

"Oh, no." Chanhee shook his head and looked mildly embarrassed. He smoothed his hands over the exposed pink of his knobbly knees and he said, "Younghoon isn't talking to me anymore. He called me immoral. Or amoral. I can't remember the difference between those." 

"What happened?" 

Chanhee hesitated but Sangyeon wasn't even sure why he asked the question in the first place. Even if he was concerned it wasn't any of his business and the reluctance to say anything was an obvious sign of that. Sangyeon’s attempts at brushing off his own question faltered when he noticed someone else visiting the flower garden. 

Hyunjun was strolling along the path on the other side of the large flowerbed at the centre of the garden. Even dressed in black as he tended to be, odd buckles and draping of fabrics elevating his unusual style to the status of couture even somewhere as pedestrian as this garden, his expression was one of soft joy. The person walking in step with Hyunjun and gesturing rapidly had just as unique a sense of style as Hyunjun but because of the bucket hat pulled onto their head Sangyeon couldn't see whether the expression turned on Hyunjun was equally as pleasant. 

Chanhee tapped Sangyeon’s arm and regarded him warily. 

"Sorry," Sangyeon said quickly. "What were you saying?" 

"Do you want me to bore you with the details of the fight I had with Younghoon? Or would you rather get a closer look at Hyunjun and Sunwoo on their date?" 

"You know Hyunjun’s friend?" Sangyeon asked. Without hearing his own voice Sangyeon knew he was too eager about the discovery but he was a weak man. The temptation to observe the date was too strong. 

"Sunwoo," Chanhee said, finger spelling the name carefully. "I met him through another friend. He is a nice boy."

Sangyeon would have preferred to confirm that for himself. He jumped to his feet and Chanhee laughed as he followed to stand and walked alongside Sangyeon. 

At a safe distance Sangyeon saw how Hyunjun and his friend were relaxed as they signed to one another, faces pulling to express the remainder of the concepts that extended beyond the way their hands occupied the space around them. It was cute, how thoroughly absorbed the two of them were in their conversation as they walked. Other people on the path shot dirty looks at them but their faces all said the same thing. They were worried that scolding people who signed would make them look bad. Pride settled heavily in Sangyeon’s chest. 

Hyunjun and Sunwoo found a bench to sit and take selfies together but Sangyeon noticed the phantoms of pain gripping at Hyunjun before he mentioned anything to his companion for the day. 

"I hope he goes home soon," Sangyeon said as he peered around the tired looking mother who was occupying the bench that seemed like a good enough disguise. The woman pushed her pram to and fro and sent Sangyeon a strange look which was markedly similar to Chanhee's expression.

"Hyunjun’s leg is hurting him," Sangyeon explained. "Phantom pains from the amputation. Even if he takes painkillers he suffers a lot. He says other people have it worse than him but pain is bad no matter what. Maybe I should make up an emergency and tell him to come to my house."

"How would you get home before Hyunjun?" Chanhee asked. 

Sangyeon would think of something. He just wasn't quite sure what he would come up with as he watched Sunwoo offer help that was refused by the tight smile and a vague wave of Hyunjun’s hand. 

"Maybe the prosthetic is rubbing him too much," Sangyeon said. "I wonder if he is wearing an old sleeve."

A tap on Sangyeon’s arm drew his attention back to Chanhee. "You worry a lot about Hyunjun."

"Of course I do. I love him more than anyone else in the whole world."

Chanhee grinned. "What if Hyunjun ended up loving someone else more than he loves you."

Sangyeon didn't need to hesitate. He would prefer an eventuality like that so that he didn't need to worry so much about nobody being able to repair the fissures caused by another argument. 

"I want him to love somebody else more than he loves me. He shouldn't feel bad about it when it happens."

Chanhee raised his eyebrows, probably was looking for a different reaction to the teasing, and he patted Sangyeon’s knee. 

"You're kind of pathetic."

"I don't mind being pathetic because I want Hyunjun to be happy."

Hyunjun was happy. Seeing him enjoying his life, being young, was worth being called pathetic. It was better to have the label applied because of something like this rather than because people didn't want to consider the state of Sangyeon’s life beyond not hearing. Sangyeon knew the way other people thought, he knew his own pity and superficial concern for people unlike himself and he had struggled with being on the receiving end of such attitudes. Perhaps that was why he held so much animosity towards the people he never knew but he wasn't ashamed of seeing both sides. 

Sangyeon could be pathetic whilst watching Hyunjun signing to his friend. The conversation seemed to be strange though. 

"Can you sign?" Sangyeon asked Chanhee. Unsurprisingly the answer was a no but Sangyeon supposed he didn't need a second opinion. He understood the one sign that he needed to. 

The subject of dance was one that Sangyeon had avoided around Hyunjun for as long as possible. All along he had been sure it was for Hyunjun’s sake but Hyunjun looked happy, as happy as he ever had back when the two of them danced because that was what they were meant to do. 

Perhaps Sangyeon had been the one who was scared of the life they had left behind, the life he was sure had left the both of them behind without regard. 

Seeing the same concept come up, shaped by happiness that Sangyeon had missed in Hyunjun for too long, nudged something dense and sour higher in Sangyeon’s chest. It was an odd sensation, possibly a muted version of the same distrust as before. 

"Are you alright?" Chanhee asked after tapping Sangyeon's arm until he was sure that the narrow attention was on him. 

"Fine," Sangyeon said. He thought he did at the very least. He felt his mouth form the word but there wasn't anything to it. No sound that he could feel through his throat and extending through his open mouth. He knew he didn't feel fine but he didn't want Chanhee to know that too obviously. 

Hyunjun was probably fine too. He was with his friend who he could kiss, his friend he could talk about dance with. Sangyeon had perhaps worried too much. But there was also the realisation that Sangyeon had assumed too many other things about their circumstances. Sangyeon had a habit of hiding things from Hyunjun (protecting him from the disappointing truth about his friend who loved him too much yet not enough) so it only stood to reason that Hyunjun would know this and would reserve some secrets of his own. They didn't need to know everything about one another. They didn't need to be so intermingled through their differences that they couldn't see any distinction between the lives they led. 

"We should go," Sangyeon said. Ignorance had Sangyeon not minding that Hyunjun had his own hobbies and appointments. But seeing what Hyunjun was like without him made Sangyeon wonder why the pretence of co-dependency existed. 

Hyunjun didn't need Sangyeon in the ways that Sangyeon had assumed. Reuniting, and learning to know each other once more, and the snackshop, and the assurance that life could continue with meaning all seemed like fragile fallacies. Sangyeon was an idiot to fall for the lies forged by kindness but that didn't mean the kindness hadn't originated from somewhere genuine. 

It was Sangyeon’s turn to be kind. 

Chanhee didn't look so sure but Sangyeon tried to smile. Whether he looked convincing or not, Chanhee made an attempt of his own. 

Chanhee was strange. It looked a lot like he said, "Let's go for a late lunch. I know a place that does great salads."

Sangyeon laughed. Salads sounded awful but less awful than spying on a friend who certainly deserved slices of their own life. 

*

Sangyeon didn't understand why Jaehyun was taking him to the community centre until they arrived. He had the key to the hall and locked the door behind them. The parquet flooring and the rectangular lights set into the high ceiling reminded Sangyeon too much of the rehearsal rooms at high school for dance though it was closer to the size of the sports halls he remembered filing onto for assemblies. But there was something wrong with the room. 

As Sangyeon watched Jaehyun walk across the floor to retrieve a kitbag the strange air in the hall found its answer. The acoustics of a room like this were designed to never be dull. There was nothing wrong with the room, rather Sangyeon was the one who couldn't detect the reverberation of each clipped footstep Jaehyun took. When Jaehyun returned, with the bag and a smile, Sangyeon couldn't quite keep his questions out of his mouth. 

"Why did you bring me here?" 

Something imperceptible passed over Jaehyun's countenance, just a blink of hesitation and then the easy smile was back. "Feel free to refuse," Jaehyun began, "But I brought you here to see you dance."

"I can't dance. I already told you."

Jaehyun shook his head but he didn't look deterred. "You said you can't dance well . But what do I know? I am just a boring lawyer who wants to fall in love with a side of you I have never seen before."

"Don't say that," Sangyeon said. Jaehyun tilted his head like there was any need to specify but it was obvious what Sangyeon meant. "Don't say things about falling in love with me."

"Even if I don't say it, I already did. You had better not tell me to pretend those feelings don't exist. You can tell me that you don't want me, but you can't tell me that I don't love you."

Sangyeon closed his eyes. This was fine. Now he couldn't hear a word Jaehyun said. It was better not to hear what he said. With his eyes closed, Sangyeon could ignore everything except for the things he had already heard. 

Even without looking, Sangyeon could feel Jaehyun, too close. He could feel the tentative slide of Jaehyun’s hands curling around his waist. They barely knew each other so it was stupid to talk about love. It was even stupider to talk about love and then be so cautious with the touches which followed. 

Sangyeon opened his eyes, too curious about why Jaehyun had faltered. Jaehyun had his eyes closed. His brows were furrowed and his lower lip was caught between his teeth as he held his breath. 

For just a fraction of a moment, Sangyeon surged forward, pressed a chaste kiss to Jaehyun's mouth before drawing back to wait for the reaction. Jaehyun searched Sangyeon’s face, confusion reflected in his eyes before he took the chance to tighten his grip around Sangyeon’s waist. 

"Please let me say it," Jaehyun said. "You ignored me before. That was fine. But I don't ever say this. I need to say it to you."

"Close your eyes."

Jaehyun did as he was told. Sangyeon picked through the kitbag Jaehyun had brought with him. Sangyeon got changed, though he didn't care whether Jaehyun watched him or not. Though if Jaehyun was watching it must have been strange to see Sangyeon staring so hard at a pair of shoes. This pair was nothing special, just black canvas spilt-sole ballet shoes but putting on the shoes felt like a step too far. If Sangyeon put these on it would be to dance. If he could no longer dance it was because he had allowed the skills trained into him to wither into nothingness. It wasn't just because of an accident but because Sangyeon wasn't worthy of constantly lamenting a missed opportunity. But being afraid of the truth was stupid. Sangyeon pulled the shoes onto his feet. They fitted the way they always had but already Sangyeon knew that the same could not be said about his feet. 

Once he was done he supposed the ear defenders in the bag were not for him. He returned to Jaehyun, tapped his arm to get his attention. 

"Thank you," Jaehyun said. His eyes were soft as he smiled at Sangyeon. He almost looked too kind. But that must have been to be expected when Jaehyun was so free to talk about love. 

Jaehyun put the ear defenders over his head and strode across the floor, perhaps as soundless as it was for Sangyeon. He reached the corner of the room where a hi-fi was set up. Sangyeon flexed his feet in his soft shoes whilst Jaehyun pressed several buttons. 

Something crackled and the rushing of nothingness in his head slowly grew until Jaehyun straightened to turn and grin at him. There were a few speakers positioned around the perimeter of the ceiling but Sangyeon was never too far from them and that was how he realised there was sound all around him. 

The music was distorted beyond sense but Sangyeon was concentrating. He heard the rattling of bass and the windows trembling in their frames as Jaehyun winced and laughed. This was the song that Sangyeon heard in his head on his worst nights. This was the song he has memorised to every bar and phrase until he danced to the perfect standards of the National Ballet. 

Sangyeon could have cried. The song wasn't only in his head. 

Without stretching, Sangyeon’s body was too stiff but he did what he was here for. He danced. 

Muscle memory was a valuable thing and Sangyeon was surprised that he had anything remaining in that sense. But the routine flowed from his limbs as easily as breathing. The moments he caught Jaehyun's eyes jolted him into stuttered movements but he continued to dance. 

Again and again, Sangyeon felt his muscles reaching to meet the standards he had always set despite the current softness of his body. No jeté was quite high enough and an absent instructor berated him for lacking allongé, but he was dancing as closely to the rhythm as he could manage. 

Sangyeon didn't know how many times he executed the motions but by the time he was exhausted, the soft t-shirt sticking uncomfortably to his skin, Jaehyun had captured proud adoration in his eyes. That was as uncomfortable as the sweat-damp clothes which clung to Sangyeon, but it was bearable. Sangyeon craved it in an odd way. 

Jaehyun switched off the music and approached to add some words but he faltered only a few syllables in. 

"Wow. How do you do this?" 

"How do I do what?" 

Jaehyun frowned, failed concentration, before he laughed and pulled the ear defenders off his head and weighed them in his hands before meeting Sangyeon’s gaze. "You talk at such a normal volume. How do you know how loud to be?" 

Sangyeon shrugged. It wasn't anything he really thought about seeing as all he ever heard of himself was the subtle vibrations of his vocal chords. It was easier to work things out when he had his hearing aids but Sangyeon was probably more proud than smart. Even if Jaehyun said Sangyeon spoke at a normal volume, Sangyeon didn't believe that was the case. He wanted to appear normal so he forced himself to speak, hesitating and pausing around words in all the wrong places, and he hadn't ever missed the strange looks people gave him for speaking in such stilted tones. Often people misunderstood or spoke over him, assuming what they thought he intended, but it was something he forced himself to tolerate for the sake of keeping a fragment of his old self. 

"How do you know how loud to be?" Sangyeon returned. Jaehyun flustered, smiled awkwardly and didn't answer the question. He followed with his own. 

"How long did it take before you could lipread so well? Even if I don't cue you manage to keep up." 

"Context," Sangyeon supplied. "There were classes too."

The lipreading classes were essential to blend in. There was just about enough humility in Sangyeon’s body that he dutifully attended the lessons for cued speech too seeing as it helped to map out the sounds that were too similar to others when read only from lips. Sangyeon didn't bother mentioning the classes which he skipped because they wouldn't make him look normal. Jaehyun looked impressed either way. That was good enough. 

Considering Jaehyun had rented out the entire hall in the community centre, Sangyeon didn't quite understand why they went to the gloomy toilets. Despite not quite understanding, Sangyeon gripped the porcelain of the sink tightly whilst Jaehyun pounded into him from behind. 

Like always, Jaehyun's touch was enough to light Sangyeon’s nerves on fire, enough to incinerate the inhibitions that had only ever been useless. Sangyeon wondered whether anyone could have heard them, perhaps on the other side of the wall wherever that was, and what exactly they could hear of the sink being practically shaken loose of its pedestal. Despite not being able to hear himself, Sangyeon knew he was making some sort of noise. The vibration of his vocal chords wound tightness in his neck but he hasn't a clue what he was saying or what Jaehyun could hear. 

It all made sense when Jaehyun tugged at the hair on the crown of Sangyeon’s head. In the mirror, Sangyeon could see the smile making Jaehyun's lips curve around short pants and the shallow heaving of his chest. And that wasn't all. The reflection showed all the things Jaehyun was saying whilst driving deeper into him. 

Sangyeon closed his eyes. There were words he had already seen, words which he didn't want to keep seeing along with shapes which might not have even been words. It wasn't the important thing here anyway. 

Jaehyun said he loved Sangyeon and the determination to make him feel it was almost scary. But after coming, an unfamiliarly wretched exhaustion, Sangyeon considered he might be able to say the words back to Jaehyun one day. 

Perhaps they could be romantic, could act like the people who can fall in love. 

Jaehyun's kit bag, the one that somehow had some of the clothes Sangyeon hadn't the heart to discard from his past life, seemed to have everything. Or he had another bagful of goodies. That was why they were lying on blankets in the middle of the community hall. Apparently they still had time left of their booking and Sangyeon wondered how much hiring out this room had cost, even just for a few hours on a weekday afternoon. 

As gestures went this was a big one. Sangyeon was grateful but he didn't know quite how to say that, not even when Jaehyun was lying beside him on the blankets wearing the sort of smile that made Sangyeon want to sear the sight to his mind. 

"Can I tell you a secret?" Jaehyun asked. "Can I pretend that you might care about me as much as I care about you?" 

Sangyeon rolled onto his back but the ceiling gave no answers. Jaehyun was patiently watching him, waiting, and there wasn't much longer Sangyeon could put off his reply without feeling like there was substance to Jaehyun's words. Like he might really not have felt the same way at all. Sangyeon tipped his head to the side. In the silence Jaehyun's ears had begun to simmer and Sangyeon reached over to cool away the burn with his fingertips. Jaehyun laughed, silent, surprised, but he didn't stop smiling. 

"If you want."

"I'm not a good lawyer," Jaehyun said. The words were followed by an exhale which tickled nervously at Sangyeon’s cheek. Sangyeon hadn't wanted to say anything but he was surprised by how often Jaehyun was lost for words when debating back and forth with the lawyers who handled proceedings for the insurers. He panicked, the moments of being bested were always followed by words that made no sense and poorly masked attempts to stop feeling so flustered. Rather than not being a good lawyer, Sangyeon assumed it was more that Jaehyun hated being unprepared. Not that Sangyeon had any expertise. 

"You're trying your best," Sangyeon said. 

Jaehyun threaded his fingers through Sangyeon’s and held their hands between them, away from his ears. Away from any distractions. "I'm not good," He said. "When I was a child, I never used to talk. I don't know if I was afraid but I couldn't open my mouth, if you can believe me. But my neighbour growing up was a lawyer. She used to tell me about all of her cases and the cool things she did in courtrooms. I wanted to be just like her, and as I got older I pretended I wasn't so afraid of people hearing my voice. Obviously the therapy helped too." 

Sangyeon couldn't imagine a Jaehyun who was afraid of people hearing his voice. From the time they had known each other it seemed the real challenge was getting him to shut up, though Sangyeon wasn't going to say that now when Jaehyun was finally sharing something like this. A secret. Sangyeon squeezed their hands together and hoped that was enough encouragement for Jaehyun to go on. 

"A few years ago I actually met my old neighbour on a case. She was fun to work with and she gave me tips and said she was happy for me even though we were on opposing sides. The case went to court and I was just some kid assisting my mentor who wanted to prove myself. I asked to lead. And my neighbour tore me to shreds in front of everyone. We lost the case and I went home and cried all night. And in the morning I wanted to try again and show that I was capable. 

"It wasn't easy qualifying but even with all the effort I put in, things never got easier. Every time I try to prove myself, the standards just get higher. Sometimes I think obstacles are appearing because I have tried so hard. If I had given up on this dream, would I have an easier life now? I can't trust myself. And I'm scared of what that means for you."

"What do you mean?" 

"I don't think I can win your case."

Sangyeon sat up. Something hot, almost angry, billowed against the inside of his chest. He wished he had never allowed himself to hope. Of course nothing was easy. He got to hold Jaehyun, pretend he knew anything about what love felt like, because he had been drawn in by the possibility of a man who could give him everything. But even now he felt himself hoping for some of that 'everything' in the hands shaking his arm. 

Jaehyun's face was wavering and he stumbled over his words no matter how closely Sangyeon looked. This was just like when Sangyeon saw Jaehyun talking to other people, mouth moving too quickly and broken syllables that didn't look like much. 

"Stop talking," Sangyeon shouted. He even heard it himself, not the usual way he hears his own voice in the way the sounds vibrate minutely around his head, but in the way that his voice made his head hurt because his mind strained to capture the sound. There was no question of whether Jaehyun heard Sangyeon’s voice. He could hear everything. He heard this and pressed his mouth into a tight line. But it wasn't quiet enough. 

Sangyeon climbed to his feet and looked around for his shoes, his real ones and not the shoes that had blocked Sangyeon’s throat just on sight alone. Those shoes, the old ballet shoes which didn't quite fit right these days, could stay here with Jaehyun. Sangyeon didn't care. He wouldn't need them again. 

"I'm going home," He said. Maybe he shouldn't have said it at all. Maybe he should have just left and tried to work things out for himself instead of giving Jaehyun an opening to hold onto him and remember how to be coherent so he could ask for a chance to explain. 

But even if Sangyeon were the type of person to stalwartly refuse any chances that were begged from him, he still wanted to hear what Jaehyun had to say because he was hopeful that this hadn't all just been to see whether he could be conquered. 

"I'm not a good lawyer," Jaehyun pronounced carefully. "I spoke to a partner at the practice, my boss, and she will take your case on. She can win it for you."

"Why did you take my case?" 

Jaehyun's expression pulled into shame. "I wanted to help you," He said. The hands holding Sangyeon’s arms, holding him steady as though Jaehyun had reason to believe Sangyeon would flee as soon as he got the chance, were cool enough to chill Sangyeon’s skin through his shirt. "I wanted to be good enough for you, but I'm not. I was selfish. I liked being with you and I didn't want to let you down. But not letting you down means referring you to a better lawyer."

As wonderful as Jaehyun's hopes and dreams of saving Sangyeon must have been, seeing him say these things only scoured more abrasively through Sangyeon’s insides. At what point did Jaehyun know that he wouldn't be able to win? Perhaps from the start. Sangyeon had seen for himself that things didn't tend to go Jaehyun's way when discussing matters with the opposing team and Jaehyun seemed like the sort of person who would reflect on every meeting in detail. He already knew and he hadn't said anything just so Sangyeon could waste more time with him.

Sangyeon wasn't the sort of person to string others along on the promise of love but that was probably why he felt so horrid now. Jaehyun looked like he was on the verge of tears as he gripped at Sangyeon’s arms but he was the one who lied. Sangyeon was just the idiot who had believed words which existed to be pretty. 

"We don't need to see each other anymore," Sangyeon said. Jaehyun's protests were lost to the void beyond Sangyeon’s sight and things were better that way. There was no need to offer another opportunity for words, for an emotive plea which would have been enough for Sangyeon to push aside the seething confusion beneath his skin. He needed to hold onto this feeling and he needed to go home. 


	5. Chapter 5

Sangyeon didn't want to think of the visit to the community centre as a fight because he and Jaehyun weren't evenly matched. There was also the fact that Sangyeon was being unreasonable and unfair. 

Despite what Sangyeon wanted to think, Jaehyun's heart was in the right place. He wanted to help Sangyeon. Though it was still strange, knowing that Jaehyun had been curious enough about Sangyeon to find out information from Hyunjun. That aspect made Sangyeon wary of thoughts of forgiveness. He didn't see how he could forgive someone so easily when they had taken advantage of Sangyeon’s desperate lows just for an excuse to decrease the distance between them. 

But without Jaehyun to constantly meet and speak to, Sangyeon realised that the distance between himself and the rest of the world had grown too vast. He needed to take a chance, reach out, and try to make the world beyond his fingertips notice that he was there. 

Going to the social meeting for Deaf people felt something like returning to the scene of the crime. It was in the same community centre Jaehyun took him to but thankfully he didn't have to sit in the same hall as before and suffer memories of being fucked in the adjoining toilets. Instead they all sat at a circle of chairs in a small room with navy carpet and a shade of paint on the walls that Sangyeon struggled to name. There was a water cooler and a tea urn on a trestle table and a pile of flyers for some sort of community picnic that Sangyeon pretended not to see. 

The whole atmosphere felt too much like the support meetings he had seen on the television. This wasn't any sort of group which promised anonymity. There was no need for anyone here to separate themselves from the people they were and there were no prompts to confess from what Sangyeon recalled of the poster which advertised this date. Looking around the room, some attendees were already engaged in silent conversations and they signed much more rapidly than Sangyeon ever dreamt of. 

It was difficult to look away. Some people were amazing with the speed of their signing. Compared to the conversations Sangyeon could see, he was more similar to a toddler. Perhaps practicing with people who primarily used sign language would have made him more efficient than trying to remember the structures from his lessons as Hyunjun tried to convince him that he'd been taught wrong. But Sangyeon was the one who had decided against meeting people who could have helped him to understand the world a bit better so he couldn't complain about the fact that he wasn't on the same level as them. 

A hand drew Sangyeon’s attention with a small wave and someone sat on the empty chair beside him at the circle. As soon as Sangyeon started looking at the man who took a seat beside him he was greeted by rapid signing. 

A laugh forced its way past Sangyeon’s lips but he stopped himself just in case he wasn't allowed. "Sorry. I can't sign well."

"Oh." 

Sangyeon wasn't sure how to tell the difference between people who primarily communicated with their voices or their bodies but he took a guess. He carefully tried to match the gestures of his cues with his words as he said, "My name is Lee Sangyeon. I lost my hearing almost two years ago."

The man who tried to speak to him smiled awkwardly and didn't bother signing as he spoke, which was fine seeing as Sangyeon’s nervousness had him struggling to look at someone's mouth and their hands at the same time. He would too easily have lost track of the words whilst trying to match the shapes and the indicators in his head. 

"I am Kevin Moon," He said, repeating his name a few times and even finger-spelling so that Sangyeon could replicate the shapes with his own mouth. "It's nice to meet you, Sangyeon. You're new, aren't you?" 

Sangyeon nodded. Kevin smiled. 

"So you weren't listening to their argument?" He asked. "Do you want me to tell you what it is about?" 

"Won't they hear you?" Sangyeon asked. 

"You're worried about Deaf people hearing us?" 

"Seeing?" Sangyeon suggested, feeling oddly flustered. Kevin grinned at him. 

"I know what you meant. Have you ever been to a meeting like this before?" 

Sangyeon shook his head. He cautiously glanced around the room but he supposed that nobody was paying enough attention to pick out what he was about to say. Kevin was patiently waiting, but something about the way he looked at Sangyeon suggested he already knew the reasons Sangyeon hadn't come to meetings like this. 

"I was told to by doctors. When I first lost my hearing. I didn't like it."

"That's fine too," Kevin said carefully. "What made you want to come here now?" 

Part of Sangyeon wondered why Kevin was so interested but he decided that strange suspicion was more to do with his own constant wariness. It was submitting to those wary feelings which had Sangyeon avoiding Jaehyun in the first place. And his wariness had him thinking carefully about what he should really be saying to Hyunjun - his thoughts slow enough that he hadn't said anything at all for far too long. 

Keeping silent here wouldn't make anyone notice him. Sangyeon took a breath and wondered just how loud his voice was when he said, "I need to try harder." 

Kevin looked thoughtful for a moment but he smiled. "As long as you are doing this for yourself, this could be the right decision."

Kevin remained seated beside Sangyeon as the meeting got underway. One person spoke at a time as directed by the group leader. The topics were mostly general points of interest, completely boring things with no semantic links as far as Sangyeon could follow, and he found himself more confused by the end despite following and finger spelling the names of the people around him. 

Everyone had a turn to tell the group something and three turns before Sangyeon had to think of his subject there was someone unfortunately familiar. 

Sunwoo was pretty and boyish and was dressed far more simply than when he was with Hyunjun. His style was still evident, but he didn't look as though he was trying so hard. He didn't need to try hard. He was interesting enough on his own. 

Kim Sunwoo; Hyunjun’s friend who was born Deaf, and part-timed as an assistant instructor teaching sign language and cued speech, and he had a passion for dancing. 

Sangyeon looked away. Guilt settled in his stomach but he couldn't watch out for what else Sunwoo had to say. The problem was the next couple of turns, the person who came after Sunwoo, and then Kevin, when Sangyeon noticed that Sunwoo was watching him with bemusement on his face. 

Being watched by someone who wasn't quite the stranger they should have been made Sangyeon self-conscious. He introduced himself simply. His name, he was deafened two years ago, he wanted to learn from the other attendees. After the introduction and Sangyeon had sat back down and passed his turn to the left, Sunwoo's countenance had settled on an expression Sangyeon didn't want to think about too deeply. 

Once the group was split and they could congregate in smaller clusters, Sunwoo dragged his seat over to sit right in front of Sangyeon, their knees almost touching as Sunwoo regarded Sangyeon with challenge. 

"Sunwoo," Kevin said with a smile, "I didn't expect you to join us."

Sunwoo half-nodded at Kevin but he didn't make any sort of response that Sangyeon could discern. 

"Do you know Kevin?" Sunwoo asked Sangyeon seriously. 

"We just met now," Sangyeon said, his words heavy in his mouth. He didn't know Sunwoo either and he wondered how relevant it would be to bring that up. 

"Do you know Sangyeon, Sunwoo?" Kevin asked, hesitance hovering over his face. 

"I know Sangyeon. He is friends with my Hyunjun," Sunwoo said, purpose and intent forming clear shapes in his lips. Not even Sangyeon could misunderstand "He used to own a restaurant but it got burnt down. You remember the place Chanhee used to work."

Kevin didn't have a very good pokerface. He flustered. 

"That's awful. I'm sorry to hear that," Kevin said awkwardly. He fiddled with the hearing aid hooked into his left ear and tried to smile at Sangyeon as he said, "You probably don't want to talk about that, do you?" 

"I don't," Sangyeon confirmed. 

Kevin dropped his hands and relief rolled through him as he laughed, still uncomfortable in its angular relief. 

They moved onto another subject quickly, Sunwoo sitting sullenly as the third point of the triangle and only uncrossing his arms to clarify things that Kevin slipped up on. 

Kevin was an interesting man. He was an artist, a composer, he dropped out of university and had never had a 'real job' in his life. And he was already suggesting Sangyeon attend one of his art workshops with him. 

Sangyeon wasn't so sure whether he should but Kevin said the invitation would remain open. Sunwoo got Sangyeon on his own when the session was dismissed. 

"I don't think you should go to any art classes or anything," Sunwoo said. 

"Why not?" 

"Hanging around with Kevin and his friends won't be good for you."

Sangyeon frowned. He didn't know Sunwoo well. Sunwoo wasn't the sort of person you should have been advising Sangyeon on anything like this. 

"Thanks for the advice," Sangyeon said. "I best get going anyway."

Sunwoo had more to say but Sangyeon didn't have the time to wait around to hear whatever he wanted to say. 

*

The odd feeling of displacement of sitting in a chair across from his new lawyer was distracting. Sangyeon could hardly pay attention in this office he had sat in weeks earlier. Jieun had printed handouts with lots of words that he hadn't come across previously. He needed to focus on what he was being told, the fluid shapes of Jieun's mouth as well as the printed papers she gave him so he could follow the words. Despite knowing that this meeting was important, Sangyeon’s mind was stuck on Jaehyun. 

Routine was easy to break when the receptionist told Sangyeon to wait on the stiff chairs by the wide window. He was here to see someone else so he wasn't going to wander directly to Jaehyun's office for no good reason. Sangyeon didn't want to see Jaehyun anyway. They had disagreed, not fought, but their current circumstances seemed to be too much. 

The wish was Sangyeon’s, not seeing each other, but he wanted to take it back. He wanted to see Jaehyun again, against his better judgement. People didn't tell Sangyeon that they loved him every day. He couldn't shake the memory from his mind, how pained Jaehyun had looked at the prospect of his words being diminished. But Jaehyun hadn't spoken to him once since the day at the community centre. That fact resonated against Sangyeon’s skull more insistently than the song he had woven into the sinews of his body. 

Jaehyun's boss was clearly organised, her clothing tailored to perfection and Sangyeon supposed every client she met immediately had the utmost confidence in her. Sangyeon didn't mind that she misunderstood him when she remained patient and tried until she got her answer. She was a kinder stranger than Sangyeon had encountered in a long while. Her patience seemed to be a bit more than just dedicated professionalism. Sangyeon wondered whether he would like her more if she was representing him from the start. 

Jieun asked whether Sangyeon had any questions. He didn't have any constructive questions. He was wasting her time. He must have been wasting so much time afforded to him by people who had more kindness than sense. Sangyeon shook his head and Jieun smiled. She told him that it was a lot to process. She was sending him home with homework so he could have expected to learn more by reading what she would send him away with. 

Sangyeon needed too much time. It wasn't fair of him to absorb so much effort from all the kind people around him. But leaving Jieun's office, Sangyeon realised he needed time in other ways. 

"Sangyeon," Jaehyun said, uncertain enough that it didn't even look like his name. Sangyeon didn't know what to do. He stopped in the corridor and his fingers curled against the papers in his hands. 

"Hi." 

Jaehyun hesitated himself but he smiled, straightened his spine, and took a step closer. "You look good."

Sangyeon knew for a fact that he didn't look good. He had been dodging Hyunjun for as long as possible so he hadn't had any input on his wardrobe. Even his mother had made some sort of comment as Sangyeon had left the house to come here. Jaehyun probably thought he was being kind by lying about this too. 

"You're not wearing brown," Sangyeon said. Jaehyun nodded and held out his arm. This suit was navy. He really did look good but Sangyeon didn't want to say anything when Jaehyun already looked so pleased. "It's weird seeing you here."

Jaehyun shook his head and lifted his hand to his mouth to cue his words. "It is weirder not seeing you here. I really am sorry."

Sangyeon dropped his gaze to the handouts from Jieun. "Don't be sorry. If you apologise, wouldn't I have to apologise too?" 

Jaehyun shook his head quickly and reached out his hand before dropping it uselessly to his side. Sangyeon wondered how he would have reacted if Jaehyun didn't think better of the gesture. Maybe he would have used the extended arm to pull Jaehyun close and kiss him stupid. Maybe he would have slapped away Jaehyun's arm and levelled threats against him for daring to exist, for daring to be the person who had tricked Sangyeon into this unfortunate illusion of being wanted. 

But it was a stupid thing to think about. Jaehyun didn't reach out. He stopped. He maintained the awkward distance. 

"You have nothing to apologise for," Jaehyun said. "I was wrong. I shouldn't have taken on your case. I should have referred you to another lawyer from the start."

"You don't need to explain things to me."

"I do," Jaehyun said as his fingers marked out his words. "Unless you don't want me to explain because you are done with me for good." 

That was a strange thing to consider. It was silly to have even thought of Jaehyun reaching out to Sangyeon when he was here wondering whether whatever existed between them had expired for good. It hadn't, Sangyeon hoped. He still wanted to grip onto whatever remained of what they had but he was aware that his reaction had made things difficult. 

Right now, Sangyeon didn't feel as though he had overreacted but he wished he hadn't reacted at all. If Sangyeon had just pretended not to care he wouldn't be peering across an insurmountable distance and wondering when Jaehyun might return to his usual comfort. But if Sangyeon hadn't said what he thought, hadn't given life to the rapidly coiling betrayal, he would have spewed out the segmented anger before long. 

Resentment built too easily. Jaehyun was a man who Sangyeon had resented in the first place. Sangyeon hated the fact that he had no customers at Flower Snack, that Jaehyun was a stubborn regular who probably deserved the favouritism he was angling for, and the misplaced irritation at the situation bled into the way he regarded Jaehyun. The fire had changed that. Sangyeon needed Jaehyun. At least Sangyeon had needed Jaehyun before the admission that representing him was a mistake. The current feeling towards Jaehyun wasn't resentment but Sangyeon wasn't sure what it was. 

Something that existed between longing and regret. Sangyeon didn't have a name for it but he felt the emotion where it resided, the size of a fist lodged between his ribs. Occasionally an inhale or a memory would remind him that the feeling existed and he wondered whether he should give up on working himself out so he could apologise. It might have been better to replace the solid feeling with resentment. 

Looking at the exposed patience in Jaehyun's eyes, Sangyeon wondered whether Jaehyun was on his way to finding his reasons to resent Sangyeon. He had done a lot for Sangyeon, all facets of unfortunate kindness, yet he was held at an impasse. Until things made more sense, Sangyeon needed to make some effort for once. 

Sangyeon tightened the grip of his left hand around the papers from Jieun and lifted his right hand to his mouth. He cued his words back to Jaehyun as he said, "You don't need to explain because I know that you didn't have bad intentions."

Surprise gave way to cautious relief but Jaehyun's mouth couldn't quite form a smile at this. 

"Do you mean it?" He asked. 

"Your intentions were stupid but not bad."

Though resigned, Jaehyun's countenance pulled into a sure smile. "I guess I was being stupid."

"It still isn't an excuse for me being awful to you," Sangyeon said. 

"No. I hurt you. You had every right to be mad at me," Jaehyun said, his hand clumsy around the vowel placements though he wasn't usually. "You shouldn't forgive me yet. If I had the chance to redo everything, I don't think I would do the right thing. I would still want to spend that time with you."

It wasn't quite the resentment Sangyeon was expecting. He wanted that time too. If they had to do everything again from the start, Sangyeon was prepared to entrench himself in deeper debts for the sake of spending time with Jaehyun. If the situation was different, Sangyeon wouldn't have given Jaehyun a chance. He wouldn't have bothered seeing him. Knowing that he only entertained the idea of Jaehyun because he needed something from this lawyer wasn't a good feeling but the situation had changed. He probably didn't deserve the patience from Jaehyun but he was grateful. Even though he was teetering at the edge of the unknown, this was something to be happy about. If they did it all again, the Jaehyun right now thought he'd want to talk to Sangyeon anyway. 

Jaehyun's shoulders sagged but defeat wasn't deep in his expression as he took a breath and his hand hesitated around his cues. "Can I message you? Will you respond if I ask how you are?" 

Sangyeon’s first instinct was to affect ignorance but he couldn't pretend this question away. He wanted the same. Even if he would make up his own responses, Sangyeon wanted to ask about Jaehyun and receive a response which felt like trust. Whether Jaehyun would say he was fine or otherwise, something so simple had been missing from Sangyeon’s aimless existence. 

Sangyeon nodded but he couldn't quite meet Jaehyun's eyes. "I will message you. I want to talk to you."

Jaehyun finally touched Sangyeon, though it was just a quick tap to grab his attention and show off the pleasure flushing through his face. Something like this shouldn't have made Jaehyun so happy but Sangyeon understood how hypocritical that thought was when reaching the agreement had him swallowing back his giddiness. 

Already, Sangyeon was looking forward to the first message he would receive. 

*

Attending the meetings at the law office were less fun than the meetings at the community centre. Integrating with people who happily lived differently to the ways Sangyeon desperately grasped onto provided a new perspective. They had suggestions of leisure activities and assistance to boost employability skills and they even helped out with day to day admin. The networks of support were strong though Sangyeon didn't quite feel that he had the right to absorb into the world like this. 

"You should wear your hearing aids," a woman had told Sangyeon. Her signs sliced aggressively and her face twisted in determination. She was scolding him harshly enough to make him shrink in place. She pressed her point firmly but Sangyeon needed someone to interpret the finer points of the telling off. 

It was easier to ask Kevin than anyone else because he didn't feel quite so much like an imposter when Kevin didn't seem to mind anything at all. He clarified the woman's point that hearing aids existed for a reason to make life easier if only for the ambient possibility of sound rather than the numbing silence which should have been maddening. 

Maybe Sangyeon had already gone mad. That must have been why he chose this opportunity to ask a question he wasn't certain of. 

"What is it like to love someone when you're like this?" 

Kevin was still a stranger so curiosity could just be chalked up to wanting to know for the sake of it. Sangyeon couldn't help the way his gaze slipped over to Sunwoo who was off signing rapidly with someone excitable. Maybe Sunwoo could have answered the question just as well as Kevin but another part of Sangyeon worried that he wouldn't get an answer. Even if Sangyeon couldn't bring himself to talk to Hyunjun, it would be crushing to find out that Sunwoo wasn't in love right now. 

"Are you asking if it is different to love when you can hear?" Kevin asked. "If it is different, I wouldn't know. I have been Deaf as long as I can remember."

The clanging insensitivity reverberated through Sangyeon’s mind. Of course. It probably wasn't worth mentioning that Sangyeon hadn't loved someone in the way he meant before now. When the world was cloyingly loud and sound was something Sangyeon could choose to pay attention to, nobody had seeped into his life quite in the same way Jaehyun had. Nobody looked at him with hope and adoration and the strange edge of vulnerability which set Sangyeon on edge. 

Even on edge now, Sangyeon couldn't keep all his thoughts to himself. 

"I met someone," Sangyeon said. Kevin smiled patiently. Of course that much was obvious. The words were hard to say and Sangyeon had to break a habit which saved him for the sake of telling this secret. "I haven't known him for very long. Right now we are fighting but I think I love him."

"That's nice," Kevin said blandly. Sangyeon already knew that this acquaintance wasn't quite the right person to discuss this with but he hadn't any actual friends he could speak to. Chanhee and Younghoon were busy, Jaehyun was the 'someone' in question, and Hyunjun had turned into a person Sangyeon worried about approaching. He only had strangers remaining. 

Sangyeon ignored sense and carried on. "If my life had gone the way it was supposed to, I never would have met him."

Kevin narrowed his eyes. He scribbled something else down on his list before regarding Sangyeon carefully. "How was your life supposed to go?" 

"Before I became deaf I was a dancer. Ballet. I studied at a conservatoire. K-arts. My audition to work for the national ballet company was successful."

Kevin sat up and his eyes widened into something that took too long to look like glee. "Did you know Lee Juyeon? He didn't do ballet but he studied dance there too!" 

"I don't know him, sorry."

The disappointment settled immediately but Kevin still looked thoughtful. "How old are you? Mid-twenties? You must know Juyeon. He's handsome. Big. I think he studied traditional dancing but I could be wrong." 

"I'm sorry," Sangyeon offered. It wasn't good enough. Kevin got up and walked away. Sangyeon watched Kevin smile as he interrupted a conversation just to drag Sunwoo back with him. Sunwoo already looked apprehensive but he also didn't refuse when Kevin found him a chair and made him sit with them. 

Kevin explained something to Sunwoo quickly. Sunwoo glanced at Sangyeon before clearly pronouncing, "He doesn't."

Sangyeon didn't have the full context until Kevin waved his hands at both of them, looking only slightly annoyed, and said, "Last time, you said Sangyeon was friends with your Hyunjun. Your Hyunjun knew Juyeon. When you brought him to Juyeon's class they were happy to see each other."

Sangyeon wondered whether he really did know Juyeon. Kevin was insistent enough to be convincing despite the fact that Sangyeon and Hyunjun were different people. Of course they wouldn't know all the same people. The spaces which existed between them were becoming more and more defined and Sangyeon was learning to accept that. That was fine. But the picture Kevin showed Sangyeon did look somewhat familiar. Still, he wasn't anyone who Sangyeon really knew. 

"You probably don't care, but Juyeon works at a special dance academy. He runs a class with Changmin - he's another of our friends - and it might be nice if you go one time to check it out. Maybe you could dance there too."

"I'm deaf," Sangyeon pointed out. Sunwoo smiled for the first time. Kevin smiled too, square and uncomfortable. 

"Changmin is Deaf too. And Sunwoo is part of the dance troupe. There are all sorts of different people who go. It is a celebration of people's differences. Sunwoo, you tell him."

Sangyeon turned to Sunwoo expectantly. And Sunwoo cued his words. "I don't want you to come to the dance academy."

Kevin said something but Sangyeon couldn't see it. Not that it mattered. 

"Hyunjun is sad because he misses you," Sunwoo explained with careful cues. "You aren't allowed to come, especially if you don't start talking to him again. He doesn't know what he has done wrong. But he didn't do anything, did he? You are the one who has done something wrong."

It was obvious why Sunwoo would think something like that. In a way, Sangyeon really had done something wrong. He hadn't given any warning. He had only left longer and longer gaps between responsonses and hoped that Hyunjun wouldn't mind so much because things would be better that way. 

Sangyeon cued his own words because he wasn't even sure about the familiar shapes his mouth made when finally having to address something like this. 

"I wanted to give Hyunjun space. He needs to have his secrets and his own time."

"He doesn't need space. He needs you to stop pushing him away. Didn't you make a promise to him?" 

Sangyeon’s mouth couldn't move. He couldn't mistake Sunwoo's words but he didn't want to consider the fact that Hyunjun had been upset to the extent that he would mention this. Sangyeon had made a promise. He just hadn't thought this constituted leaving. 

"What should I do?" Sangyeon asked. 

"I can't tell you that. But Hyunjun loves you so much. Shouldn't you know him well enough to know already?" 

Sangyeon didn't know. His only solution seemed to be too simple. He didn't want forgiveness if it was as easy as responding to Hyunjun. He knew he hadn't been a good friend so there had to be more he could do to repair the situation. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sangyeon finds a fresh start.

The advice from everyone was all the same. Sangyeon needed to get his hearing aids fixed. Ignoring the impossibility of the advice, Sangyeon decided that he would do as he was told. He made an appointment with his audiologist, got told off for waiting for so long, and held onto the form that was given to him. He wouldn't be able to receive the new hearing aids until he paid for them, but the invoice was far more than Sangyeon could spare. 

A few weeks passed and Sangyeon had almost forgotten about the hearing aids altogether. But Hyunjun found the invoice stashed on the cluttered desk in Sangyeon’s bedroom. 

_"You ordered hearing aids?"_ Hyunjun signed as he perched at the edge of Sangyeon’s bed one morning. 

They were supposed to meet for lunch but Hyunjun apparently saw fit to push the meeting time to before Sangyeon had even dragged himself out of bed. 

Sangyeon nodded and rubbed his eyes before clarifying, _"I don't have money."_

Hyunjun frowned. Of course Sangyeon never had money so nothing had changed. 

The ways life had been generous to Sangyeon were worth more than money. Sangyeon was still certain that he didn't deserve Hyunjun but he was glad to still have him without any explanations. Even now, Sangyeon felt guilty for the fact that he had simply begun responding to Hyunjun’s texts once more and things settled back into the same routine as before. Sangyeon should have spent time apologising, grovelling, but Hyunjun had slotted himself against Sangyeon’s chest just fine. 

The immediate return to the way things were was jarring. Sangyeon hadn't forgiven himself and he was sure Hyunjun was only delaying his own response to recent events. That was why Sangyeon was more resistant than usual to Hyunjun’s offer. 

_"I will buy your hearing aids,"_ Hyunjun insisted. 

"No," Sangyeon said. "You can't."

 _"I want to buy your hearing aids. I want to help you."_ Hyunjun signed. It was unfair. Hyunjun shouldn't have wanted to be helpful. He should have wanted an apology, not to do something like this for someone who had been so consistently cruel to him without explanation. 

Even now, looking at the concern in Hyunjun’s face, Sangyeon was too aware of the fact he had never honestly apologised for the first time he had gone out of his way to leave Hyunjun to hurt alone. Saying sorry wasn't enough. 

"You don't need to help me," Sangyeon said. His mouth felt too dry and dread was stiffening his tongue. He wasn't the sort of friend Hyunjun deserved but Hyunjun’s insistence on being kind to him like this was too much. 

"But I want to help you," Hyunjun said. "Let me do this, please. I love you, Sangyeon. Don't refuse this when everyone is telling you that getting your hearing aids is for the best." 

Sangyeon was sure he had good enough reason to refuse but the expression on Hyunjun’s face was daring Sangyeon to try to rebuff the offer. Sangyeon didn't much fancy seeing just how determined Hyunjun was to get his own way. But Sangyeon supposed he could accept as long as he made the effort to thank Hyunjun properly. 

*

Sangyeon thought it had been too long since seeing Younghoon but that notion cemented itself in truth when Sangyeon saw the solemn expression on his face as he sat beside Chanhee on the sofa in the living room. Sitting opposite his two ex-employees felt somewhat like a job interview and it made Sangyeon cautious. He had to be careful. He had to annunciate as best he could. 

"How have you been?" Sangyeon asked. 

"Not well," Younghoon said. He cast an irate glance at Chanhee before facing Sangyeon once more. "I'm sorry, but today isn't going to be a pleasant chat. Chanhee has something to tell you."

Chanhee muttered something under his breath but Sangyeon didn't ask what it was. Considering he had nervously anticipated meeting Chanhee and Younghoon, the elation in his chest was solidifying to dense dread which sank to his stomach. Of course it would be strange to want to meet Sangyeon to say something nice and inconsequential. 

Whatever it was that Chanhee allegedly had to say wasn't inconsequential. The pause as he attempted a few fragmented words in the face of Younghoon's stark disappointment was agonisingly long yet not quite long enough for Sangyeon to formulate an excuse to leave. 

"I'm sorry for starting the fire."

The scene didn't change even after Sangyeon closed his eyes and opened them again. 

Sangyeon’s tongue stuck to the inside of his mouth uncomfortably even as he swallowed around the dry sensation. He couldn't even reach for his drink just in case his uneven breathing made him aspirate the sharp liquid in his confusion. 

"I don't understand." 

Younghoon pinched Chanhee's arm. Chanhee rolled his eyes but the expression he cast Sangyeon’s way was markedly apprehensive. 

"You were struggling. I wanted to help you out. I wanted to put you out of your misery."

The struggle was reading Chanhee's lips and having to make sense of it. The shapes Chanhee's mouth made didn't look much like anything Sangyeon could process into thought. It looked a lot like Chanhee was claiming responsibility for coincidental misfortune. 

"You didn't do it."

Chanhee looked irritated and said something indecipherable to Younghoon. 

"What did you just say?" Sangyeon asked, the slicing of his tongue sharp against the inside of his mouth. "What did you say to him? Do you think it is funny saying things that I can't hear?" 

"That's not it," Younghoon said with a placating hand raised between them. "He said that he knew you wouldn't believe him, Sangyeon. I made Chanhee tell you. Please believe him."

Bile rose to the back of Sangyeon’s mouth. Too often he was feeling the caustic burn of sentiments better left unsaid. Right now it felt as though the erosion had reached breaking point and the pretence of indifference would break to the base truth. 

Sangyeon hated the way he lived now. The world refused to mould around him the way it had before the accident and even the people closest to him reminded him that he didn't fit. These days Sangyeon was useless, stupid, a burden to accommodate. People said whatever they wanted, or did whatever they thought best without even asking him. 

Hyunjun lied to Sangyeon to make him feel better. Jaehyun had imposed his assistance because he assumed there was nobody else for Sangyeon to turn to. Sangyeon’s parents watched Sangyeon so closely that he was suffocated by the amount of attention that hadn't heaped on him since he was a small child. Younghoon was too cautious and nervous to properly speak to Sangyeon. Chanhee, though he was never close, was someone Sangyeon thought he could trust. 

Sangyeon wanted to know what Hyunjun really felt and thought in order to offer help and the friendship which had always existed between them. Jaehyun had already started as a person Sangyeon didn't believe yet his unconditional kindness only made him more confusing. Though Sangyeon detested it, Flower Snack was independence and he owned the failure of the business alone. Chanhee claimed to have burnt Flower Snack down. What remained for Sangyeon? 

Sangyeon habitually bit his tongue, unable to articulate his anger these days. But this time couldn't be helped. Making himself clear didn't matter when everyone else assumed what was best for him. 

Words spilled out of Sangyeon’s mouth, misshapen, maladroit, mispronounced and jumbled with the incomprehension from within. Sangyeon hardly knew enough of his own feelings to focus on them but Chanhee and Younghoon were wide-eyed and rigid as they watched everything spill into the living room of Sangyeon’s home. 

Nothing was fair and Sangyeon felt his half-formed despair run in heated tracks down his face. His throat ached and his head throbbed with his own stupidity. Sangyeon was stupid, that was what everyone thought so it must have been true. Sangyeon was stupid so the clanging in his mind as exasperation poured out of him was deafening until the pleading touch of his mother drew him back to himself. 

As stupid and useless as he was, Sangyeon needed his mother. He needed her wretched pleas to calm down and he needed the familiarity of her embrace. She held him tightly until his huge, gasping sobs diminished into whines. 

By the time Sangyeon felt he was quiet, Younghoon and Chanhee had gone, leaving a letter behind on the sofa where they had sat. Sangyeon didn't read it. His eyes, his head, his whole body ached. He couldn't bring himself to unfold the paper but he took it with him into his bedroom. 

Sleep was near impossible but the silence Sangyeon was doused in was nothing so far from the usual that he should have struggled. 

The inside of Sangyeon’s head wasn't silent enough. He couldn't switch any of that off the way he wanted. All he could do was stare at his ceiling and watch darkness blot out the light seeping into his room around the edge of the window blinds. 

*

Jaehyun was visibly nervous when Sangyeon arrived at his office. It was strange that Sangyeon had text him in the first place but for all Jieun's professionalism and skill, she wasn't Jaehyun. Sangyeon needed him in other ways. Even that wasn't a good enough reason for wanting to see Jaehyun. 

"I'm sorry," Jaehyun said before Sangyeon had even made it through the door. 

Jaehyun wasn't around for Sangyeon’s meltdown and he shouldn't have heard anything of it but Sangyeon still felt ashamed. Sitting opposite each other like this was strange. Sangyeon hadn't even been able to even smile at the clumsy way Jaehyun climbed over the desk so things weren't entirely normal. 

"Are you well?" 

Jaehyun tilted his head. "You're not here to ask me that. You could have just text me. But you asked to meet me at work. What's wrong?" 

Sangyeon felt himself frown. Seeing the tension in Jaehyun made him feel oddly nervous as he cued the sounds of his words. "Can't I ask how you are?" 

"You can. But it isn't important."

"It is important. You're important."

Jaehyun smiled and scratched the back of his neck idly. "I feel strange when you say things like that. It is like I am a teenager again and the coolest guy in school finally remembered my name, you know? Oh no. Of course you don't know. You were the coolest guy in school, right?" 

Jaehyun was strange but the sort of strange that could pry smiles from Sangyeon’s lips. 

"I was a ballerino," Sangyeon pointed out. "How could I be the coolest guy in school?" 

Jaehyun grinned. He shrugged. "I don't believe you. You're the coolest person I know. When you talk to me, even now, it still makes me happy that you remember my name. How can someone as cool as you know who I am?" 

"I think you're lying," Sangyeon said. "I think you were the one who was cool."

"You think I'm cool?" 

"No," Sangyeon said. He cued more carefully than usual just for the sake of being facetious. "I said you used to be cool. In school. Not now. You're kind of goofy."

"But you like goofy, right?" Jaehyun asked as he leaned forwards. His fingertips also crept forward across the desk between them but surprise jolted across his features when he touched the letter Sangyeon still had clutched in his hand. "What's this?" 

Sangyeon handed the letter over. "This is why I asked to meet you."

Jaehyun read the letter. The furrow in his brow deepened the further he read. Seeing this made Sangyeon glad that he wasn't the only one confused by what Chanhee had written. The fact Chanhee had anticipated he wouldn't be able to say everything felt absurd in itself. But Jaehyun mouthed the words as he read them. 

Chanhee had friends. He didn't name his friends but that wasn't the important part. This wasn't the first time Chanhee and his friends had tried to be helpful. They had a system. They sneaked into buildings and did whatever they needed to without leaving behind too much of a trace. Insurance companies had paid out in the past. Chanhee apologised for being too careless on this occasion. 

"How was this supposed to help?" Jaehyun asked, looking truly annoyed for the first time in a while. 

Sangyeon shook his head. He didn't need Jaehyun's anger. The past few days were time enough for Sangyeon to think. "I think he's like you," Sangyeon said. "His intentions weren't bad."

"His intentions weren't bad? Sangyeon, arson is a crime." Indistinct words sputtered out of his mouth but he took a breath and repeated himself more calmly when Sangyeon requested it. "Someone could have been hurt. Playing with fire isn't so easy."

"Nobody was hurt."

"You were—" 

"He's done this before."

Jaehyun dropped the letter to the desk and clutched at his head. "He's done this before," Jaehyun agreed. "How stupid is he to write a confession. But your insurance policy covered genuine criminal damage. If the company—" 

"I want you to make this go away," Sangyeon interrupted as he cued his words. Jaehyun slowly closed his mouth and allowed his hands to fall to the desk, limp. 

"What?" 

"I don't want Chanhee to get in trouble."

The disbelief on Jaehyun's face was almost heartening. But Sangyeon didn't need that sort of solidarity right now. Sangyeon was counting on the claim that Jaehyun loved him. Sangyeon thought that if he could so easily talk about love he would have no trouble doing whatever he needed to protect the interests of whoever he loved. 

Losing the restaurant was too long ago for Sangyeon to continue to dwell on his aimlessness. He had nothing and right now he was nobody, but that hadn't changed since the moment before Chanhee admitted his involvement. The reasoning was unclear and Sangyeon had cycled through disdain and hatred and considerations of forgiveness between then and now. Nothing had changed. Whether Chanhee could be considered a friend or simply an old employee, nothing had changed. 

Nobody had stopped thinking they knew what was best for Sangyeon. 

"Chanhee wanted to help. Everyone is always trying to help me. I hate how patronising it feels but it is better than nothing, isn't it? The fact that people are trying is better than them telling me that I am useless, or a burden, and they don't want me. Isn't it?"

Jaehyun shook his head. "I don't think so."

Sangyeon sighs. "How can you say that? You do it too. You didn't ask whether I wanted your help; you and Hyunjun decided it. You didn't ask if I wanted to dance again; you took me somewhere and made me dance. You never asked me if I wanted you to love me; you kept telling me that you did anyway."

"Do you not want me to love you?" 

"I never said that. But if you love me can you do this for me? Protect Chanhee."

Jaehyun sagged against his desk and shook his head. The look he turned up at Sangyeon was almost miserable. "I have to tell my boss, you know that. She needs to know."

"Will she keep Chanhee out of this?" 

"You are her client, not Chanhee," Jaehyun said. "If she can use this to protect you—" 

"Jaehyun, please," Sangyeon said. Seeing Jaehyun flinch at his touch was mortifying so he curled his hand into his chest but he came here for a reason. He couldn't stop just because of a reaction like this. "I am actually asking for something from you. If you only do one more thing for me, can it be this?" 

Conflict was clear on Jaehyun's face. His eyes appeared almost dazed as he picked up the letter and folded it roughly. The letter was tucked into Jaehyun's inside breast pocket and that was that. 

"I will make it go away."

"Thank you," Sangyeon said, though he wasn't sure where this left them. 

*

When this week's meeting was held at a different venue, Sangyeon agreed with something he heard a while back about being sick of restaurants. The other members were clearly excited about the different surroundings, dressing up and being more tactile than usual. The meeting group had hired out a room in a restaurant. They were just like any group of friends or colleagues. 

At the restaurant, Sunwoo made sure he had the seat beside Sangyeon. 

_"When will your hearing aids arrive?"_ Sunwoo signed after the group leader had welcomed everyone and reminded them to have fun. This didn't seem like the best start towards fun. 

"A week. Possibly two weeks." 

Sunwoo nodded but he didn't look concerned with continuing that line of conversation. He glanced around the table and quickly looked away from Kevin who was engaged in a conversation of his own across the table. When Sunwoo returned his gaze to Sangyeon he signed, _"Chanhee told you about the fire."_

_"Yes."_

It wasn't even worth questioning how Sunwoo knew. At this point Sangyeon didn't care. He was too tired and he wanted to move on from this chapter of his life. He was curious why Sunwoo was bringing it up though. 

_"When did Chanhee tell you about the fire?"_ Sangyeon asked as well as he could. 

_"I knew all along. Kevin knew too,"_ Sunwoo explained. _"Sorry."_

For a moment Sangyeon wondered whether he should ask. But they were having the conversation already. _"Sunwoo, did you help?"_

Sunwoo's eyebrows shot up and he shook his head quickly. He glanced around the table again before he said, "I didn't help."

Sangyeon supposed it didn't matter either way but he was relieved to hear that Sunwoo wasn't involved. He didn't know what he was supposed to respond with. As relieved as he was, he still didn't have anything. It wasn't so long ago that he had cried, broken down over his nightmare. As hopeful he was that this was over, the memory of the feeling was too fresh. He couldn't help but feel the sting of the remaining despair over how life had been since pretending he could prove his worth. 

Sangyeon wasn't sure about how to ask his next question. It wasn't difficult but whilst feeling his face distorting into the memory of grief he wasn't confident he could properly convey the signs he thought he needed. Aloud, he asked, "Does Hyunjun know about any of this? How much dignity am I allowed to have when it comes to him?" 

_"Hyunjun doesn't know,"_ Sunwoo signed. Then, _"Chanhee and Kevin do bad things. They aren't bad people."_

Sangyeon wondered what exactly the criteria was for deciding whether people were bad or not. Already he had decided he didn't want to pursue any sort of revenge because Chanhee couldn't have incinerated Sangyeon’s efforts out of malice. But Sangyeon was the victim so he was allowed to forgive. Looking at Sunwoo, it was impossible to tell whether he had ever been a victim who granted Chanhee forgiveness, or he was simply a friend who wanted to defend the indefensible. 

Chanhee hadn't been in contact to try to excuse his actions further. Maybe Sunwoo was even speaking on behalf of Chanhee. 

_"What makes them good people in your opinion, Chanhee and Kevin?"_

Sunwoo huffed, abashed, before signing again. _"They work with two more friends. The four of them try to do the right thing. You were supposed to get money. They wanted to help you."_

Sangyeon gave in. He wasn't good at signing and he was having to guess the structures he hadn't seen Sunwoo convey in the moments previously. He was clumsy and slow but that was the best way to blend in here. _"Everyone wants to help."_ He offered. 

Finally, Sunwoo spoke. He cued the phonetics indistinguishable through his lips. "What should they do so that you forgive them?" 

"Nothing."

Sunwoo tapped Sangyeon’s wrist and pointed across the table at Kevin. He was still conversing with someone else. Sangyeon wasn't going to interrupt. He shook his head and told Sunwoo, "Jaehyun, the lawyer, will make sure they aren't found out."

Sunwoo bit into the swell of his pink lower lip but the relieved sigh still escaped. "Thank you."

It was no trouble. Sangyeon already intended to pretend none of this mattered. He only hoped that this time he wouldn't find out anything which broke the dam he formed around his truth. 

Surprisingly, Sunwoo found other things to discuss with Sangyeon. Primarily the conversation was about Hyunjun though Sangyeon couldn't complain. The subject of Hyunjun was soothing, particularly for the fact that Sunwoo was so obviously fond. 

"I am glad Hyunjun found someone like you," Sangyeon admitted. Sunwoo was embarrassed at that, flushed positively pink at the prospect. 

"I am glad that I found him too."

*

Each day felt like an attempt to start fresh but Sangyeon hadn't yet found success. Following the meeting at the restaurant, Sangyeon tried to start fresh as soon as he stepped outside. That didn't work either. He was still the same person who was just another reminder away from rattling apart. 

As a person without independence or any semblance of agency, Sangyeon was almost irritated at the fact that Jaehyun was waiting for him. They had planned to meet up anyway but Sangyeon hadn't mentioned what time that would be. The meal could have ended at any time but Jaehyun was leaning against someone else's car on the street and smiling as though waiting for Sangyeon was a privilege. 

"I didn't text you yet," Sangyeon pointed out. 

Jaehyun smiled wider and offered his hand as he stood up. "I was too impatient to see you. I have only been out here for twenty minutes."

That was a long time. Sangyeon ruffled at the irritation caused by the words and pulled Jaehyun in the direction he assumed they would find the car. Jaehyun tugged Sangyeon’s arm back. They stopped. 

Sangyeon turned, expecting Jaehyun to correct him on the direction but was instead faced with Jaehyun slipping his hand away to sign. 

_"I love you."_

Sangyeon frowned. 

"You don't need to say it back," Jaehyun said. 

_"Thank you,"_ Sangyeon signed. Replying that way was stupid, but Sangyeon didn't know what else he should say. He liked Jaehyun enough that maybe he could be daring and claim the same. Sangyeon couldn't be certain now but there wasn't much he felt certain of. 

Jaehyun led the way to his car. The walk was slow and the chill in the air seeped through Sangyeon’s scalp. Inside the car, Jaehyun turned on the heating and the light set into the ceiling before reaching for Sangyeon’s hand. 

"Are you alright?" 

Sangyeon shook off Jaehyun's hand but something so simple had a nuance he didn't even know how to portray. "I want to go home." 

Jaehyun's eyes widened and he nodded. "Okay. I can take you home."

The disappointment was obvious. Sangyeon felt too tired to attempt to explain. Exhaustion made him heavy but he tried to look up the signs he needed in order to explain what he wanted to ask. Somehow none of the resources on the internet offered the right thing. Sangyeon texted Hyunjun and hoped he would help. 

The response from Hyunjun didn't take too long. Along with the strings of nonsensical messages came a video. Sangyeon had to play the video a few times, especially after the car swerving on the first play-through distracted him from the details that he needed to pay attention to. Sangyeon thanked Hyunjun and mentally rehearsed the sign. 

Upon arriving at Sangyeon’s house, Jaehyun looked stiff. Sangyeon needed to apologise seeing as expectations had been avoided. 

"Yes," Jaehyun said, startled by his own voice by the look of things. Jaehyun scanned Sangyeon’s face and his hands before mortification settled over his own features. His hands were muddled but the context was clear enough. "Why are you apologising?" 

"You are disappointed."

"I'm not," Jaehyun said. He flustered, clearly not even sure what he was doing with his hands. "I am not disappointed."

"You are," Sangyeon said, cueing even as simple as his words were. "Today I am tired. Next time, we will go somewhere."

Incomprehension crinkled in Jaehyun's face. Eventually he said, "Was that it?" 

"What?" 

"Did you want to ask me a question?" 

Sangyeon did want to ask a question but he wasn't sure if it was the correct question in light of the fact Jaehyun was already anticipating something. Sangyeon’s confused silence was long enough that Jaehyun admitted, "You still have the volume turned up on your phone. I heard the signs you were practicing." 

That probably should have been more embarrassing than it was. There was no telling how often his phone had made sounds he hadn't heard but Sangyeon wasn't too concerned with that. Not when Jaehyun's expression was so strung-out. 

_"Stay with me tonight,"_ Sangyeon requested. Whilst focused on the motion and expression of the sign, the tightness in Jaehyun's face loosened. He shook his head and smiled weakly. 

"I wouldn't have guessed what that meant. Do you really want me to come inside?" 

"We have had sex before."

"I know," Jaehyun said, lips brushing into a mumble. "Can I really stay here?" 

Sangyeon nodded. Jaehyun laughed, the taciturn gasp caught between his teeth. 

Considering the smiles from the car, Jaehyun was quiet in front of Sangyeon’s parents. His eyes moved too quickly and he continually glanced at Sangyeon before answering any questions. 

Sangyeon’s mother recognised Jaehyun judging by the fragments of questions Sangyeon caught whilst he was dozing against Jaehyun's shoulder. There was enough dinner to heat up for Jaehyun to eat but he was awkward and hesitant with each mouthful. Seeing Jaehyun like this was unexpected. He might just have been surprised by the fact Sangyeon’s parents were here. Sangyeon should probably have mentioned that. 

After Jaehyun finished eating, chewing quickly and covering his mouth too often for Sangyeon to know what the conversation was even about, they escaped Sangyeon’s parents and hid away in his bedroom. 

Once the door was closed, Jaehyun sagged against Sangyeon and his hands curled to fists at Sangyeon’s waist. Sangyeon patted Jaehyun's back until he straightened up. Even now he wore the same expression he had shown to Sangyeon’s parents. 

"Do you think they like me?" 

Sangyeon shrugged and stroked his fingertips. Jaehyun sighed and his hands slid up Sangyeon’s chest to rest on his shoulders. 

"They know you like me," Jaehyun said. "You looked comfortable."

Sangyeon grinned. He was comfortable. As tired as he was now, he would have taken the option of leaning against Jaehyun for hours rather than the true comfort of lying in bed. Seeing as they were in Sangyeon’s room it was a shame to waste the convenience of the bed. 

Lying together in Sangyeon’s bed was different to any of the other times they had been together. Like always, Jaehyun said he loved Sangyeon and Sangyeon bit his tongue against a near-reflective thought. He wanted to love Jaehyun. It was a start. Beyond that, a word wasn't spoken between them. 

For once, their communication remained firmly in the realm of the physical. Without even any thought, Sangyeon breathed. He didn't have to worry about listening over the rush of blood uselessly swirling around his head because there was nothing for him to hear. Perhaps each of Jaehyun’s breaths was precious enough that he should have ached to convert the stirring of air into a new sensation, but he wasn't losing anything to the silence. The muffled buzz of thoughts was granted its residence in Sangyeon’s head and he could instead feel the dry warmth of Jaehyun’s hands curiously wandering all over him. 

Jaehyun kissed as though composing a letter of his every wish. Sangyeon caught them all with his mouth and exhaled these same wishes once imbued with his own hopes. 

Sangyeon hoped that Jaehyun would keep loving him at least until Sangyeon was sure of his feelings. 

Sangyeon left Jaehyun in his room and went to wash up. The light in the bathroom was oddly rousing. He was happy. Regardless of the way he lost things, he could be happy like this. The problem was knowing that Jaehyun did so much for him without asking anything in return. He hadn't even asked to be loved, just to be able to tell Sangyeon that he loved him. And Sangyeon hadn't been fair to him all along. 

Sangyeon returned to his room and pointed Jaehyun in the direction of the bathroom. His mother had left out a new toothbrush and a washcloth and Sangyeon wondered whether this was exactly the way things went normally. Jaehyun was going to sleep in Sangyeon’s bed, wearing Sangyeon’s clothes, and it certainly seemed like the things other people did. But it might have been too soon considering the factor of Sangyeon’s parents. Sangyeon had come home after sleeping with Jaehyun for the first time and he had been glad of the chance to be alone to wallow in how useless he really was. This time, Sangyeon knew he couldn't retreat himself into the rush of silence so easily. 

Jaehyun scurried back into Sangyeon’s room, face flushed. Back to the door, he looked hesitant. 

"Are you okay?" 

Jaehyun nodded quickly and toddled over to the foot of the bed. He didn't look okay at all as he perched as close to the edge as he could. Sangyeon nudged his shoulder and sure enough, words flowed from his mouth. Deciphering the speech was difficult but Sangyeon understood the last part. 

"She said to have fun."

"Who?" Sangyeon asked. "You're too fast."

Jaehyun nodded and cued as he spoke at a normal pace rather than the rushed jumble of moments prior. "Your mother. We spoke for a minute and now I am really embarrassed."

Sangyeon put the two fragments of speech together. That was embarrassing. He must have been too obvious, as exhausted as he was. More than anything he should have just gone to sleep. 

Sangyeon clambered off his bed to change into something more comfortable. No sooner than he had stripped off his shirt, Jaehyun was pulling at his arm with apprehension in his eyes. 

Jaehyun signed something but Sangyeon didn't have a clue what it meant. 

"What?" 

Jaehyun blinked a few times, gulped, and said, "Sorry. I don't know how to say it properly. Are we really going to… Here?" 

Sangyeon’s fingertips found Jaehyun's jaw and he swiped his thumb against Jaehyun's lips. "Don't look so worried. We won't. Unless you want to."

The concern on Jaehyun's face only receded slowly. Sangyeon couldn't promise that he wouldn't feel like a failure even in this regard, but he was determined not to run away from that failure. It was all his own but Jaehyun was kind enough to want to share it. 

*

The day Sangyeon’s hearing aids arrived, Hyunjun didn't respond to Sangyeon’s gratitude. That was fine. He didn't want Hyunjun to feel that he had to care about every single thing that Sangyeon had to say. He would have preferred to know that Hyunjun got the message but Sangyeon would have been a hypocrite to be bothered by the silence he received. 

The next day, Sangyeon’s irritability over the message looked like an overreaction. Hyunjun invited Sangyeon to meet him at the weekend. He sent an address which turned out to be a dance studio according to a web search. Sangyeon could see where this was going but he wondered whether Hyunjun had told Sunwoo about the invitation. 

The firmness in Sunwoo’s face as he told Sangyeon that he was unwelcome loomed in the back of Sangyeon’s mind. It was something that was woven into the reminder that Sangyeon was a bad friend, that he had hurt Hyunjun, but that made it no less valid. It was doubtful that Sangyeon was welcome even now. All the same, he was curious and refusing was probably going to turn out worse. 

When Sangyeon arrived at the dance studios it was late morning and he seemed to have just missed the end of a children's dance class. Only the stragglers were left in the reception area; a child sitting in a wheelchair was chatting to another child, a giggling child with limb differences who hopped around to emphasise whatever they were saying. The children's guardians were talking to a tall man with a passing familiarity. 

Sangyeon didn't have time to dwell on the familiarity when something struck in the face of the vaguely familiar man. He excused himself from his conversation with warm smiles before he was free to approach Sangyeon. Each step drained more of the enthusiasm out of this man, which was strange. 

"Are you Hyunjun’s Sangyeon?" 

"That's right," Sangyeon said. A small phase like that felt oddly clumsy in Sangyeon’s mouth but he didn't feel prepared for an interaction like this. 

"I think you might be early," the man said carefully, concentration on such a simple thing making itself evident in his creased forehead. 

"You can just speak comfortably," Sangyeon offered. The shock returned made Sangyeon consider his words for a moment. Cautiously he asked, "What is your name?" 

"Lee Juyeon."

"Oh. You're Kevin's friend."

"That's right," Juyeon nodded. Sangyeon remembered the name mostly because he hadn't been able to forget the fact he was supposed to know this person. Sangyeon didn't want to bring it up just so he could avoid admitting to not knowing Juyeon, though he had as good as admitted that much already. 

Juyeon gestured at the door leading from the reception area and began walking. Sangyeon followed and Juyeon slowed his pace so they were walking side by side. Juyeon shot Sangyeon a cautious smile. 

"Kevin said you are a calm person. I think I am nervous just in case you are still scary."

"Why would I be scary?" 

Juyeon stopped outside a door and smiled wryly. "Kevin said you don't remember me. You yelled at me in front of the entire department once. It was bad. I considered giving up dance because of how awful you said I was. Somehow I didn't cry in front of everyone. After that, you were nice to me. You were scary."

Sangyeon definitely didn't remember. He apologised, not certain he sounded close to sincere over something he had no idea about. 

Juyeon shook his head, smiling. "It was years ago. You don't even remember. But I hope that coming here today… I hope you think about dancing again."

Sangyeon opened his mouth but he couldn't say anything. He swallowed the lump in his throat and walked through the door when Juyeon opened it. 

Grace flowed through every synapse of Hyunjun’s body, the extensions of his arms reaching and receding with measured power as he danced through the silence with a partner. 

Sangyeon hadn't ever seen dance like this. The fluency of contemporary dance was looser than ballet but strength created poise in the body lines of each beat that existed only in the rhythms of the dancers themselves. 

Hyunjun’s prosthetic leg wobbled with the more challenging jumps and the strain in his face at each pained phrase wound into the next motion, was caught by his partner who whirled into the momentum. 

Hyunjun was happy. 

Juyeon tapped Sangyeon’s arm. Looking away from Hyunjun in his element felt like something he would regret but even with his hearing aids he didn't think he would be able to understand Juyeon well. He turned, catching sight of Sunwoo sitting at the edge of the room, enraptured by the sight. 

"Changmin is Deaf like you. He's amazing, isn't he?" 

Sangyeon nodded. He didn't trust himself to speak. He could only watch Hyunjun dance, almost as though he had never stopped. He was beautiful. 

Sangyeon wasn't sure he would ever be able to apologise to Hyunjun in the way that he should have. Too many occasions had passed where he allowed flares of irritation to lick at his insides and he had unleashed those on a friend who had only ever wanted them both to be happy. 

Hyunjun was happy. He was perfect. 

Sangyeon blinked the kaleidoscopic reflections of the happiness out of his eyes. He needed to watch every breath bleed from Hyunjun’s motions. They could both be happy. 

**Author's Note:**

> Deaf (capital D): used for people within Deaf culture, often use a sign language as first language - seen often in those who were born deaf/deafened from an early age/have Deaf parents  
> deaf (lowercase d): someone who cannot hear, more likely those who have been deafened in later life  
> Sign Language: I didn't include any physical descriptors as I don't know the gestures/expressions/body language context of KSL and I didn't want to blur context with what I know from BSL. sign languages are not mutually intelligible as they are distinct and separate languages so I thought it best to be vague in this area  
> Cued Speech: unlike sign languages, cued speech is essentially a phonetic code to assist with lipreading which can apparently increase accuracy from 30% to around 90% in some cases. It requires only one hand and the hand shapes dictate the consonant sounds (groups of multiple consonants share a hand shape) and the placement and motion around the speaker's mouth dictate the vowel sounds. This method focuses on the sounds rather than the letters something is spelled with (though as hangul is phonetic in itself this might appear similar, however Korean cued speech and KSL alphabet work on different systems)  
> Finger Spelling: back to sign languages, finger spelling is literally the alphabet and is distinct from cued speech due to being used to spell things such as names or concepts with unknown signs rather than to assist lip reading.


End file.
